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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.

 

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Jeopardy! & Wheel of Fortune were both renewed through 2022, delighting game show fans who enjoy feeling really dumb for a half-hour, then kinda smart for the next half-hour.

The WNBA Players Association opted out of their collective bargaining agreement, in a bold move to try and get sports fans to remember the WNBA during its offseason.

Tennessee executed a convicted double murderer using the electric chair for the first time since 2007, surprising prison officials since it started on the first pull.

Avril Lavigne talked to an Australian radio station, addressing a fringe theory that she died and was replaced with a body double. “That’s so dumb, I’m the real April Lavigne!” she said.

Airports in Hungary, Latvia & Greece will add lie detector tests to screen passengers boarding flights. Anyone on a window seat found lying about the number of times they’ll use the restroom will be turned away.

Amazon will be the exclusive seller of 4,500 bottles of rare 19-year-old Bowmore French Oak Single Malt Scotch. 3,000 bottles are expected to survive being tossed on to front porches.

KitchenAid is releasing a commemorative Misty Blue color of its iconic stand mixer to commemorate the brand’s 100th Anniversary. Cooks will love the retro look of it as they shove it to the back corner of the kitchen counter to clear room for appliances they actually use.

Delta Air Lines unveiled the first of 75 brand-new Airbus A220-100 jetliners joining their fleet in the next several years. It’s the first airliner of its size to have non-metal wings, electric brakes instead of hydraulic brakes, and an easy-to-find black box for when the non-metal wings snap and the electric brakes fail.

A Michigan dad driving a minivan carrying his trick-or-treating 3-year-old son ran over the boy – twice – after he fell out of the back of it.  The boy was treated for minor leg injuries, and the Dad finally got the fun-size Snickers bars he’d demanded from his son.

Jersey Shore star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino married longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce, before reporting to prison to serve his eight-month term for tax fraud. He will be honeymooning with his cellmate.

 

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.