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MTV Teen Mom Janelle Evans is leaving her husband, asking for full custody of their child, and graduating to VH1 Adult Divorcee.

Just one day after retiring from the NFL, Jason Kelce made good on his promise to Buffalo Bills fans and jumped on to a flaming table, per their tailgate tradition. Kelce just needs to return to Buffalo, warm his hands down the back of his wife’s pants during a winter game, and throw a dildo on to the field to become Bills Mafia King.

A Microsoft engineer warned that the company’s Copilot AI image creator generates violent sexual imagery. Hearing this, dozens of high-school garage bands used it to make their album covers.

A Massachusetts man is suing the federal government for $9.5 million after he crashed his snowmobile in to a Blackhawk helicopter parked on a little-used airfeld. He lost his snowmobile, the use of his arm, and any fun he thought he’d have on a helicopter ride.

So You Think You Can Dance creator/producer/host Nigel Lythgoe faces his fourth sexual assault allegation in three months. Co-host Paula Abdul accused him of being Straight Up, and other women say he asked them So You Think You Can Take Off My Pants?.

CBS ordered a Young Sheldon spinoff series featuring older brother Georgie and wife Mandy, as they raise their baby together in Texas. It’s tentatively titled No Sheldon.

Director James Gunn shared the first shooting location of his Superman reboot – Norway, where Superman flees to his Fortress Of Solitude to wait it out and see just how f*cked up things are after the 2024 Presidential Election.

A man making a social media video walked in to a Glassboro, NJ store and dunked his head in a barrel of pickles, forcing the store to discard them. Police are asking for the public’s help, especially barbers if their customer’s head reeks of vinegar.

A Missouri teacher is accused of attempting to murder her husband by adding toxic lily of the valley plant to 8 beverages, causing severe illness. He’s recovering and learning how to make his own smoothies.

Buffalo Bils QB Josh Allen split his pants at dinner while in Paris with actress girlfriend Hailee Steinfeld as they attended Paris Fashion Week. Allen joked about the mishap, and was invited to model his torn pants at Buffalo Fashion Week.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit turned around after maggots fell from an overhead bin on to passengers. The maggots were reportedly eating rotting fish, included in their Economy Plus fare.

Billboard compiled their list of the Top 50 Love Songs of All Time, topped by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross’ 1981 duet ‘Endless Love‘. They ranked the songs based on sales and chart ranking, and started by eliminating songs containing ‘ho’ and ‘b*tch’.

The stainless steel bodies of new Tesla Cybertrucks are already rusting. Owners complain the $80,000 trucks are refusing to drive themselves in the rain.

Many purchasers of Apple’s $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset are returning them, complaining of headaches, eye strain, and the virtual sex being not-so-great.

Vladimir Putin mocked Tucker Carlson’s ‘soft’ questions during their two-hour interview. Carlson defended the interview, saying Americans have every right to know Putin’s favorite color is red.

Producers of ‘Young Sheldon’ say the series final season will contain multiple ‘Big Bang Theory’ Easter Eggs – meaning the use of an excessively loud laugh track for the first time.

New data finds the average New York City apartment renter pays over $10,000 in upfrtont costs just to secure an apartment. The total includes a security deposit, first month’s rent, brokers fees, and protection money to the rats.

Usher got married in Las Vegas the day after the Super Bowl to longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea. Usher met Goicoechea after ending his relationship with Gonorrhea.

Sean Evans, host of the popular ‘Hot Ones’ wing-eating podcast, reportedly broke up with porn star girlfriend Melissa Stratton. Evans said he thought he should see other people, and that she should see several other people in an afternoon.

80% of Americans test positive for chlormequat, a pesticide found in Cheerios that can cause delayed puberty. Parents should get their child tested if they’re still eating Cheerios off a high chair tray at age 15.

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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.