U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.

Stormy Daniels will host a Q&A session on her OnlyFans account as rumors circulate about a possible indictment of Donald Trump. It’s the first public interview from a woman discussing sex with a president since before Betty Ford sobered up.

“Dumb” phones are growing in popularity in the U.S., as Gen Z users seek to limit screen time. Dumb phones are defined by Gen Z as phones that don’t manage apps, or as any smartphone in the hands of a boomer.

Finnish design company Woodio introduced the first flushable toilet made entirely of wood chips. They say the wood reduces harmful emissions generated by plastic or ceramic toilets, but so far, users don’t like having to clean the inside with sandpaper.

Elon Musk said artificial intelligence poses a ‘profound risk to society and humanity’ – mostly because ChatGPT is too smart to pay $7 a month for Twitter Blue.

Taylor Swift accepted the Innovator Award at the annual iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles, as radio stations honored her unique ability to turn getting dumped into hundreds of songs.

Actress Melissa Joan Hart, a Nashville resident, helped elementary school students flee the scene of the deadly Covenant School shooting. She titled the video Clarissa Explains It All Except for How a Mentally Ill Person Legally Bought Assault Weapons.

Foot Locker is closing 400 stores. Workers are being told to turn in their uniforms, or keep them and referee their kids peewee basketball games.

A Dutch sperm donor who’s fathered 550 children is being sued for increasing the risk of incest and exceeding the allowable number of children created with his sperm. He’s fighting the suit, saying he needs the money for surgeries to his right shoulder, elbow and wrist.

A new Army program gives underperforming recuits 90 days of fitness training before sending them off to basic training. Although many female recruits are dropping out after 89 days once they fit into their bridesmaid dress for a spring wedding.

Florida high school teacher Shavon Pearson was arrested for waving a gun at another motorist during a traffic dispute, then was also charged for trafficking fentanyl. In other news, a dozen of her students were hospitalized following Chemistry lab.