Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”

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