By |

Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.

By |

Matthew Caskey, a UPS driver in Louisville, Kentucky, was charged with DUI and reckless driving after a middle school employee reported him to police. Caskey told cops he’d drank a half-pint of whiskey; in doing so, he answered the question “What can brown liquor do for you?”

The NFL game between the Los Angeles Rams and Kansas City Chiefs has been moved to Los Angeles from its original location at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. League officials said the turf field was unfit based on overuse, muddy conditions, and unevenness from all of El Chapo’s drug tunnels beneath it.

Facebook said that ‘free speech and privacy’ will inform any return of the platform to China. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked a Chinese official awaiting his sack of money.

Fox News is supporting CNN in its lawsuit against the White House to reinstate press access for CNN’s Jim Acosta. Fox News expressed concern that, if reporters are denied White House access, they may never see what Christmas decorations Melania picks.

In Santa Ana, California, a woman entered a McDonald’s via an employee-only back door, and choked a worker in a fight after asking for ketchup. It’s unclear if the woman was upset over not getting ketchup, or getting regular instead of Fancy Ketchup.

In rural Kentucky, a dead-heat city council election was to be decided by a coin toss — just as soon as they could find some MILLIONAIRE in rural Kentucky who has coin-flippin’ money just lyin’ around.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual “Oprah’s Favorite Things” list. You can find everything on it yourself, except for Black Governors of Southern U.S. States.

State officials are concerned that California energy utility PG&E may be at fault for one or more of the devastating wildfires in the state. Evidence is mounting, including the company’s decision to change its name to Pacific Gas Electric & Fire.

President Trump claimed in an interview with The Daily Caller that Florida Democrats were voting, then putting on disguises and voting again. Without citing evidence, he added that polling places were handing out I Voted stickers and funny nose glasses.

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer has come out as gay. He waited over 25 years to announce it publicly, but said his original plan was to come out once he knew he didn’t have any more road games in Philadelphia.

By |

Japanese marketing firm Piala announced it will give employees six more paid days off if they quit smoking. Non-smokers are busily taking up the habit so they can quit in time for summer vacation.

NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov was charged while in his hospital bed, and told prosecutors he wanted an ISIS flag to hang in his hospital room. Police became even angrier when they found ISIS flags for sale in the hospital’s gift shop.

Newly single Selena Gomez sparked rumors when she attended a rec league hockey game featuring her ex, Justin Bieber. After the game, Gomez left in Bieber’s car wearing his game jersey. Later on, Gomez was called for holding; Bieber for high sticking.

The head of NPR’s news division, Michael Oreskes, has resigned amid sexual harassment allegations. Several current and former staffers have come forward to describe Oreskes’ unwelcome sexual advances, made in between jazz saxophone riffs and uncomfortably long silences.

Kevin Spacey’s acting tutorial was removed from online instructional hub MasterClass, replaced by a GIF reading ‘Do This’, followed by a balding gay guy rolling his eyes and looking smug.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual holiday list of Favorite Things in O – The Oprah Magazine. At 102 items long, it’s her biggest list ever. Readers added their own 103rd Favorite Thing – the gift receipt to return the stuff on the list.

President Trump declared Saipov an animal, calling for his execution and saying the criminal justice system was a ‘joke’ and a ‘laughingstock’. His sentiments were privately echoed by Robert Mueller, who said he should have been done removing Trump months ago.

North Korean state news shared video of Kim Jong Un touring a cosmetics factory along with his wife Ri Sol Ju. North Korea’s first lady was there to get some new makeup for their upcoming date night at the nuclear missile silo.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland responded to a fan on Twitter confirming that her character Haley Dunphy is bisexual. Show producers haven’t responded, but did confirm an upcoming episode where Haley shops for a Mini Cooper.

A 48-year-old woman and 28-year-old man engaged in a sex act on a Delta flight will likely face fines, not jail or other penalties. Passengers complained that the woman performing oral sex on the man was distracting them while they tried to watch porn on their tablets.