Italy’s Mount Etna – Europe’s tallest and most active volcano – erupted, forcing the closure of nearby Catania Airport. The volcano spewed ash and hot lava – although obnoxious Italians insist that you call it ‘gravy’.
President Trump took a phone call from a 7-year-old and asked him if ‘he was still a believer in Santa, because at 7, it’s marginal’. The 7-year-old then asked Trump what “marginal” means, and the President replied that he didn’t know.
Melania Trump also took a phone call from a 7-year-old girl, who asked how you marry a rich slob. The First Lady told the girl if she didn’t already have her plan in place, she’s late getting started.
Regal the beagle, a canine working for U.S. Customs & Border patrol at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport, sniffed out a six-inch giant millipede in the luggage of a couple arriving from South Africa. The millipede was arrested for cocaine trafficking after a cavity search was conducted with a microscope.
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the safest 2019 vehicles. Subaru topped the list with multiple vehicles, to the relief of lesbians who like to text and drive.
UFC 232’s light-heavyweight bout between Jon Jones and Alexander Gustafsson was abruptly moved from Las Vegas to Los Angeles after officials found “abnormalities” in Jones’ pre-fight drug test. The abnormality was that he actually passed it.
As of December 31st, the minimum wage in New York City for fast-food workers and businesses with 11 or more employees will increase; they’ll now receive $15/hour for spitting in tourists’ burgers.
A Kentucky man was arrested for assault after throwing a Christmas ham at a woman during an argument over when to have the family holiday dinner. The man was taken in to custody, and several pigs living in his backyard are once again worried that one of them will need to replace the main course.
A 32-year-old Florida man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store when meeting the girl, who turned out to be undercover law enforcement. “Since when are there 14-year-old girl cops?” he asked, still not quite getting it.
The NFL’s Oakland Raiders may need a temporary home in 2019, since their new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020. Among the single-season options is Mexico City; imprisoned drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman said he’ll even let the team run on to the field from one of his tunnels.
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 41, reaffirmed his plan to continue playing in the NFL beyond the 2019 season. Brady said he has goals set for at least two more seasons, and he believes that he can achieve them with teammates’ help and referees protecting him.