Monday Jokes: August 10th

Dave Chappelle brought out Louis C.K. as a surprise guest at his comedy shows in Yellow Springs, Ohio – on the condition that Louis C.K. agreed not to bring out a surprise guest backstage.

Simon Cowell broke his back after falling off an electric bike at his home. Hearing the news, hundreds of former American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants wondered if the bike was okay.

Fire consumed a house owned by Rachael Ray in upstate New York. Responders were able to contain the fire, but said the cookies had to be thrown out.

A former finance CEO – Douglas Hodge, 62 – convicted in the college admissions scandal said his sentence at upstate New York’s Otisville prison is “torture”. He then asked who he needs to pay six figures to get into a nicer prison.

Amazon is reportedly planning to use closed Sears and JC Penney stores as fulfillment centers. As practice for possible new jobs, shoppers are urinating in bottles and milk jugs as they shop at Sears and JC Penney.

Donald Trump reached out to the governor of South Dakota to inquire about adding his face to Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough sculptable rock, and the wind would keep blowing off the tumbleweed hair.

Ben & Jerry’s said partially-eaten ice cream pints should be stored upside-down to prevent ‘freezer burn’. Or, do what most people do and eat the whole thing at once.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s former personal assistant, Emmy Tayler, has reportedly left the U.K. following Maxwell’s arrest on sex abuse charges. Tayler is rumored to be in the Napa Valley learning to make wine in a toilet before visiting Maxwell in New York.

A distraught 24-year-old woman posted in a Reddit relationship forum that her husband  bought a used Taco Bell dining booth to put in his home office. She wrote that it isn’t the horrible design she finds most offensive, it’s the smell.

McDonald’s is suing its formerCEO Steve Easterbrook for lying to the board of directors about the sexual nature of his relationships with employees. Easterbrook’s lawyer claims he only kept it a secret because that’s the way Hamburglars like to operate.

 

 

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