Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

Philadelphia is planning to open the first-of-its-kind ‘safe injection site’ in the U.S. It will be the first place where users can safely inject high doses of pain killers that isn’t an NFL locker room.

The White House plans to ask Congress for up to $2.5 billion to battle the COVID-19 coronavirus. The Pentagon will make a separate request of $5 billion, to buy 50 face masks.

The Centers for Disease Control listed which styles of facial hair pose issues in helping to prevent the coronavirus. They say certain beards prevent face masks from properly contacting the face, although they make the wearer look like less of a douche.

Heaven Fitch became the first female to win a North Carolina state high school wrestling championship. She won the 106-pound weight class, but swears she’s a Size 0.

  • Her finishing move is telling opponents stories about how much she loves visiting her grandmother, at which point they surrender.

A player for the American Hockey League Hershey Bears was hospitalized after getting knocked out in an on-ice fight. He was kept overnight for observation, and an additional five minutes for fighting.

The bankrupt Boy Scouts of America may need to sell original Norman Rockwell paintings in order to pay sexual molestation lawsuits. It’s not clear how much money the sales will generate, since most of the paintings are of scout leaders molesting boys.

A new study claims the average U.S. home internet speed went up, from 103.1 Mbps in 2018 to 128.3 Mbps in 2019. Asked for comment, a Comcast/Xfinity spokesperson said “Not because of us, that’s for sure.”

  • The same study cites the average U.S. household consumed 344 gigabytes of data in a year, at a rate of roughly 2 gigabytes per porn video.

The creator of the ‘Konami code’ – Up, up, down, down, left, right, b, a, start – has died. The code was used to generate extra lives in video games, but apparently really slows things down when you have to type it into defibrillators.

YouTube’rs are making videos teaching people to give themselves fecal transplants, where stool from healthy donors is put in the intestinal tract via the rectum to cure bowel disorders. So far the only videos YouTube has removed are the ones where the stool is used to make smoothies.

A St. Cloud, Minnesota Walmart experienced so much theft of socks and underwear that those items are now locked in a glass case. They say most of the shoplifters were low-income grandmothers who still insisted on giving terrible Christmas gifts.

Nike will no longer sell to Amazon. However, as part of its partnership with the WNBA, Nike will continue to provide footwear to Amazons.

The Centers for Disease Control say that anitbiotic-resistant “superbugs” killed 35,000 people last year. Among the worst are fungus Candida auris, and Herbie.

Pink announced she’s taking a break from music in 2020. Cardi B. announced she’s also taking a break from music, but will continue to produce and sell whatever you call her stuff.

Narwhal, a puppy with an extra tail growing out of his forehead, was surrendered to an animal rescue in Missouri. The puppy is otherwise perfectly normal, but gets frustrated by other puppies coming up and sniffing his mouth.

Motorola introduced its new folding 2019 Razr smartphone – it’s expected to be a hit with executive douchebags who perfected the 2005 angry snap-close cell phone hangup.

Google confirmed two rumors that it’s collecting Americans’ health data, and also issuing checking accounts. They say there’s no better time to collect overdraft fees for medical treatments people can’t afford.

Walmart released its Black Friday ad two weeks in advance, and somehow a dozen people were trampled to death going to Walmart’s website.

Caviar, a Russian luxury gadgets company, is selling a set of Apple AirPods Pro headphones covered in 18-karat gold for $67,000.  They make the perfect gift for the stylish rat who will wear them after they fall into the sewer.

Social network Peanut raised $5 million in venture funding. It’s a network for moms and women trying to conceive – not to be confused with Tinder, for women trying not to conceive.

A Michigan man taking wildlife photos captured a picture of a rare three-antlered deer. He found the deer drinking out of a public fountain in Flint.

Robotic dogs, seals and bears are being deployed at nursing homes and elder care facilities throughout Japan to monitor the health of residents. They want to add robotic love dolls, but they’re still trying to get the wrinkles just right.

Rumors are circulating that Nicki Minaj is pregnant. Observers are trying to figure out which bump to look at to confirm it.

After refuting claims of lead contamination and declaring on a municipal website, “NEWARK’S (NJ) WATER IS ABSOLUTELY SAFE TO DRINK”, officials acknowledge an issue and have given out 40,000 water filters. The website has been updated to read “WHY ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN NEWARK?”

Google employees are planning a walkout on Thursday to protest their executives’ handling of sexual misconduct. The route will take five minutes on foot, according to Google Maps.

Convicted mobster James “Whitey” Bulger was murdered at a federal prison in in West Virginia, and is now known as Red-&-Whitey Bulger.

The Centers for Disease Control have called sleep deprivation a public health crisis, saying that one-third of Americans don’t get enough sleep, and that millions of Americans voted for a guy who reportedly only sleeps four hours a night.

Apple said they’re halting the release of Apple watchOS 5.1, following user complaints that the update is “bricking” their watches and forcing them to look at their iPhones to see what time it is.

Apple also released a new iPad that removes the home button and can only be unlocked with Face ID. This hands-free approach received the full endorsement of people who watch porn on their iPad.

A startup company is opening a new chain of hotels, Life House. What makes Life House different is that is has its own closed social network so that guests can meet strangers while traveling. Until it receives an official name, the social network is being called “Hooking Up At The Hotel Bar”.

CVS drugstores are experimenting with a new membership program, where a $5 monthly spend gets you $10 in store credit. The program is being tweaked after oxycontin addicts quickly rolled up $5,000 store credit in several days.

MoveHub’s International Hipster Index released the 25 Most Hipster-Friendly cities in the world. Three Florida cities – Orlando, Miami & Ft. Lauderdale – made the Top Ten, making them top cities for both hipsters and artificial hips.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of painfully slow, deliberate sexual harassment.

A study from the World Cancer Research Fund links obesity to 12 different types of cancer. “A dozen? You mean like donuts?” asked a mildly surprised obese person.

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. They’ve never seen such relaxed mussels.

Sally Anderson, a life coach in New Zealand, is being accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ for getting a native Maori chin tattoo, when she is not of Maori descent. Anderson, who is married to a Maori, says it’s an homage to Maori culture, but critics say the tattoo clearly reads ‘Dave Matthews Band’.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that tick-borne illness is rising. Jennifer Slone, a librarian in Ohio, nearly died from ehrlichiosis, a bacterial infection from a tick bite. She says that she now tucks her pants in to her socks, her shirt in to to her pants, sprays herself with DEET, and doesn’t get much action on her Tinder profile.

Just 37% of those replying to a Gallup poll said President Trump’s administration has “excellent” or “good” ethical standards – the lowest total of any President in 40 years. Worse, the survey was of coal miners.

Three members of the NFL New York Giants equipment staff have been fired for involvement in a lawsuit pertaining to phony Eli Manning memorabilia. Manning himself is alleged to have emailed one of them in 2010 to find “2 helmets that can pass as game used”; but, as you might expect from Manning, the email was intercepted.

Amazon confirmed a Portland, Oregon woman’s report that one of their Amazon Echo personal assistant/speakers recorded a random conversation about ‘hardwood floors’ and emailed it to a friend. They explained that Alexa heard the woman say ‘hard wood’ and assumed the guy she was sleeping with would want to know.

An eight-person jury in in San Jose, California ordered Samsung to pay Apple $539 million for copying some of iPhone’s features. Apple CEO Tim Cook handed each of the jurors an envelope, telling them to ‘get themselves something nice’, before adding the rest of the money to the gigantic pile.

 

 

A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal¬†reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.

 

 

 

 

The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.