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Kim Kardashian West is scheduled to meet with White House officials to discuss prison reform. She’ll show them how to fund reform projects with videos of prison sex.

Roseanne Barr blamed sleep aid Ambien for the racist tweets that got her tv show cancelled. Drug maker Sanofi defended their product, saying it works better when you mix it with alcohol.

Valerie Jarrett, target of the tweet in which Roseanne compared her to an ape, suggested that Roseanne’s firing be a “teaching moment”, to get more Republicans hooked on Ambien.

President Trump heard that ABC Networks President Bob Iger called Jarrett to apologize for Roseanne’s tweet, and himself tweeted that he never got an apology call from Iger for all of the horrible things said about him on ABC. In response, the heads of ABC, NBC, TBS, Comedy Central, HBO and others will apologize for every Trump joke, which will tie up the President through the 2020 election.

Singapore Airlines will restart the World’s Longest Nonstop Flight on October 11th, from Singapore to Newark. The flight will take nearly 19 hours, or 30 if you’re seated within a few rows of a baby.

Ivanka Trump left a conference call about health & fitness after a reporter asked a question about President Trump’s fitness regimen. A White House spokesperson said that Ivanka was scheduled to leave, and that her assistant capably replied “what fitness regimen?”

Madeleine Dye, 106, of South Yorkshire England, says her old age is credited to independence and avoiding stress that comes with relationships. Although Dye said avoiding relationships isn’t much of a problem for her now.

Researchers at the University of Toronto claim that most over-the-counter vitamins offer little to no benefit to cardiac health, a claim disputed by a fourth grader who skipped a week of Flintstones vitamins and had a heart attack on the monkey bars.

Rep. Diane Black, a Republican candidate for Governor of Tennessee, blamed grocery store pornography for the recent spate of school shootings — unaware that, thanks to the Internet, no one under age 50 has bought porn in a grocery store since 1997.

A research study commissioned by food company Farm Rich says that American teenagers spend 1,000 hours thinking about food during their teenage years. A similar study of Syrian teenagers said they spend every hour thinking about food and not dying.

 

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”