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An Australian geologist posted video of his being attacked by an angry octopus. He was struck once in the neck, then sucker-punched seven more times.

Danielle ‘Bhad Bhabie’ Bregoli earned over $1 million in just five hours after opening an OnlyFans account, despite saying she “don’t have no big donkey booty”. Meanwhile rapper Big Donkey Booty grossed a paltry $35.

A Korean-American GOP candidate for Texas’ open congressional seat, Sery Kim, said she doesn’t want the U.S. to accept any Chinese immigrants. She’s expected to spend the next month explaining to Texans that there is a difference between China and Korea.

A baby boy in Iraq was born with triphallia, or three penises. His parents describe him as already being a great multitasker.

Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly took ecstasy, had sex with women in hotels, and paid them with money withdrawn from ATMs in the hotel lobbies. His Republican peers in Congress are condemning him for being dumb enough to pay the withdrawal fees at hotel lobby ATMs.

The CDC claims air travel is ‘low risk’ if travelers are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. However, they advise against buying Spirit Airlines $99 in-flight vaccine.

A man shopping at a New Mexico grocery store returned to his car and found 15,000 bees inside. He called 911 and a beekeeper arrived to remove them – but the dog and baby he left in the car were still kinda freaked out.

An MMA match was halted when one of the fighters lost his left ring finger during it. Worse, his girlfriend was planning to propose after he won.

A man golfing in Vancouver captured video of a bald eagle stalking and eating a seagull. The seagull’s life could have been spared, but it had already finished eating all the french fries.

The man arrested for swimming naked in Kendall Jenner’s pool was released, but then recaptured hours later attempting to enter Kylie Jenner’s house. He’s spent so much time creeping around Jenners & Kardashians that they’re calling him Scott Disick.

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President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.