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UFC President Dana White said he’s securing a private island to host upcoming pay-per-view fights, though it’s unclear whether fans will still put up the money to watch two chimpanzees fight each other.

A fire at a Florida airport destroyed 3,500 rental cars. It’s being called a total loss, because even the rental car companies declined the insurance.

Shares of Carnival Cruise Lines soared after the Saudi sovereign wealth fund bought 8% of the company. In exchange, Carnival agreed to provide cabins for all the wives in the harems.

Vermont ordered Costco, Target and other big-box stores to only sell essential items. There are now complete aisles in the stores dedicated to maple syrup.

Walmart joined other stores that are holding shopping hours exclusively for seniors. This, in addition to the exclusive 12-hour days for underpaid seniors working there.

Reports speculate that AMC movie theaters may not recover from current closures and may shut down for good. Other theaters would still take AMC’s popcorn inventory and sell it.

April’s full moon tonight will be the biggest supermoon of the year, owing to the moon’s orbit being closest to Earth. It’s so big, you’ll be able to see extraterrestrials social distancing.

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham will leave her post without having held a single press briefing and return to being Melania Trump’s chief of staff. Grisham welcomed the move, saying she’s glad to go from doing nothing, to almost nothing.

Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh expressed concern about hackers disrupting the NFL’s upcoming ‘virtual draft’. The Cincinnati Bengals say they’re not worried and are expected to select Hugh G. Rection first overall.

UFC fighter Anthony Smith caught a robber breaking in to his Nebraska home. Smith was able to subdue the robber, who clutched jewelry in one hand, but tapped out with the other.

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.