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Hawai’i’s Kilauea volcano erupted on Wednesday. State officials warned area residents the air quality is almost as bad as New York & Philadelphia.

Canada claims most of the wildfires blanketing the Eastern United States in smoke are contained, after Canadian first responders say they’ve spent weeks politely asking the fires to stop burning.

20 people were rescued after The Zipper ride malfunctioned at St John The Beloved’s Church Carnival in Wilmington, Delaware. Also, multiple altar boys at St. John The Beloved say they’ve been traumatized by The Zipper of Father Mike.

Taco Bell is offering a Vegan Crunchwrap in several test markets, after successful coordination with EMTs in those markets who specialize in treating explosive diarrhea.

New Jersey wildlife officials warn beachgoers of a unique breed of clinging jellyfish. They sting you, then insist on going with you to dinner and the movies later.

Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and ultra-conservative Republican, died at age 93. His passing was confirmed by a spokesperson for Hell.

Pete Davidson is featured in the new Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, which tells the story of the Kardashians putting on their makeup in the morning.

The Centers for Disease Control warns of a deadly new bacteria with a 50% fatality rate that’s endemic to the U.S. Gulf Coast areas of Florida, Texas & elsewhere. The CDC advises steering clear of the conch fritters.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy called PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan “a piece of sh*t” following the announcement of the PGA/LIV merger. Portnoy’s remarks were made on the ‘It Takes One To Know One’ podcast.

Porn star Moriah Mills attacked NBA star Zion Williamson, after he announced his girlfriend is pregnant. Mills claims she was blindsided and betrayed, because she had unprotected sex with Williamson just last week – right after having sex with four other guys at her work that day.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.