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New Jersey State Park Police say an “inordinate amount” of human feces and urine-filled bottles was found throughout state parks, because public restrooms are closed. The police responded following several complaint calls from bears.

Police said if New Jersey residents really needed to urinate or defecate in public, they should follow tradition and use the Wildwood boardwalk.

The greatest increases in COVID-19 related deaths are projected in Republican-leaning states. GOP leaders brushed it off, saying they’re still okay with corpses mailing in votes.

Labatt Brewery is launching new hard seltzers. They come in a variety of fruit flavors, at the request of Labatt loyalists hoping to find something more cheerful to throw up at Buffalo Bills tailgate parties.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels released  ‘Auto-Scrap-Ography, Vol 1’ – an autobiography in the form of a visual scrapbook. Some photos of women pop up, unless they’re backstage or the tour bus, when they pop down.

Some fans on Reddit think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is adding too many characters. Others think 50 Marvel movies is just the right amount to see between Memorial Day and mid-August.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was moved from a Pennsylvania prison to home confinement to avoid contracting coronavirus. In a statement, the coronavirus said it wasn’t interested in Manafort since he looks dead already.

After 17 years living underground, cicadas will emerge in North Caroliina, Virginia and West Virginia starting this month. “Where the f**k is everybody?” ask cicadas.

Guests visiting reopening Six Flags theme parks will need to pay in advance and choose a time to enter before they’re allowed to wait 2 hours to ride a roller coaster.

A six-year-old in Kentucky decided to cheer up his neighborhood by giving away free ice cream from the back of a pickup truck. He gave away lots of ice cream but had to stop after running over other children chasing the truck.

 

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Passengers on Jet Airways Flight 697 from Mumbai to Jaipur, India, started bleeding from their nose and ears mid-flight because the flight crew forgot to pressurize the cabin, and because many of them were sitting next to babies that had eaten spicy Indian food.

Facebook launched Facebook Dating in Colombia, making it much easier to find a boyfriend who can score you some cocaine.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigned following a New York Times story stating he discussed taping President Trump or having him removed from office for incompetence. Rosenstein, who oversees Special Counsel Robert Mueller, is expected to be replaced by The Apprentice champion Bret Michaels of Poison.

LinkedIn published an article entitled ‘How Robots Are Hiring Job Candidates’. The answer, of course, is by identifying attractive candidates who like to have sex with robots.

A second woman has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, turning his #MeToo problem into a #MeThree problem.

Bill Cosby will be sentenced this week for his sexual assault conviction, and his sentence will be repeated in about six or seven weeks.

An Australian mother watched in horror as an eastern brown snake – one of the most lethally venomous land snakes in the world – slithered through a window and into her baby’s crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib at the time, and the snake was safely captured and removed, but only after hearing ‘Goodnight Moon’ three times.

Congress is expected to pass a sweeping bill to regulate the U.S. aviation industry, including making it illegal to bump & remove passengers who have already boarded an overbooked flight. The news was welcomed by frequent fliers, but disappointing to United Airlines’ newly-hired bouncers.

Cody Wilson, the firearms activist who controversially issued plans for untraceable 3D-printed guns, was arrested on charges of paying for sex with an underage woman. Prosecutors charged him with statutory sexual assault and submitted their evidence, including a 3D-printed condom.

On  a new ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Kris Jenner said that she was the one who pulled her granddaughter, Stormi, from Kylie Jenner during birth. Kris was able to remove the newborn with one hand, and get Stormi’s footprint on a personal services contract with the other.

SiriusXM is buying streaming service Pandora for $3.5 billion, but has yet to announce to Pandora users how many skips they’ll get.

 

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A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

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Warren Sapp, fired from NFL Network in 2015 after hiring a prostitute at the Super Bowl, confirmed a network wardrobe stylist’s story that Sapp gave her sex toys as Christmas gifts three years in a row. Sapp said in a radio interview: “I’m still trying to figure out where’s the sexual harassment?”  Apparently, it was under the office Christmas tree.

Trump aide and former ‘Apprentice‘ contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned from her communications role and was reportedly escorted off the White House campus. President Trump tweeted his thanks for her service, then promptly hired ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ champion and Poison frontman Bret Michaels to pick up where she left off.

Documentary director Morgan Spurlock admitted to a history of sexual misconduct, as social media braced for a flood of Super Size Me jokes.

A U.K. surgeon was charged with assault after he admitted to carving his initials on the livers of his patients during transplant operations, after encasing their livers in wet concrete.

The San Francisco SPCA is using robot security guards to keep the homeless away from its campus. The SPCA said the robot costs $6/hour to operate, vs $16 or more for a human guard. “We’ll do it for free – just let us out of here a few hours” said SPCA resident dogs.

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said that he received a “very gracious” phone call from President Donald Trump.  Jones said Trump invited him to the White House, then gave him a list of Alabama barbecue restaurants and detailed take-out orders.

The White House withdrew its support for Brent Talley, a Trump nominee for a Federal judgeship who has never tried a case, and who’s been a lawyer for less than three years. Reached for comment, Talley said “Sustained!”

The CEO of Coinbase – one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges and a popular tool for Bitcoin traders – authored a blog post urging people to “invest responsibly”. Asked to clarify ‘responsibly’, he said “not Bitcoin.”

In Philadelphia, a cow escaped from a live nativity scene. The cow was captured in a hotel parking garage and arrested for offering an undercover cop $50 to get milked.

Disney has finalized a $52.4 billion deal to acquire 20th Century Fox movie studio and other Fox film and tv assets – clearing the way for Die Hard: Mickey Mouse.

The U.S. Education Department reports that nearly 5 million Americans are in default on student loans, while the University of Phoenix reports record high placement in the food service and rideshare industries.