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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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The FBI raided the New Jersey home of YouTube star Omar “Omi in a Hellcat” Carrasquillo, seizing over 30 high-end cars and other belongings for alleged tax evasion. On the bright side, Omi’s seizure video went viral, and all the FBI agents liked and subscribed.

Comcast/Xfinity released a four-minute commercial starring E.T. and Henry Thomas as Elliott, reprising their roles from the beloved 80s film. The visit backfires on Comcast as E.T. returns to space and rigs free satellite TV for Elliott.

Randi Chaverria, a 36-year-old family & consumer science teacher in Texas who won Teacher of the Year last May, resigned amidst allegations she performed oral sex on a student in her classroom. When she finished, the other students asked if that was going to be on the test.

President Trump made a surprise visit to Afghanistan, telling troops that talks with the Taliban have restarted over a possible peace “deal”. Details are scarce, but are believed to center on the Taliban investigating Pete Buttigieg in exchange for a lot of goats.

The FDA issued a warning for so-called “opioid withdrawal” products, sold under the names Detoxoplex, Sinoplex and Keurig.

A couple who learned their Denny’s waitress walked 14 miles to and from work to save money returned after their meal and gave the waitress a 2011 Nissan Sentra. The waitress finished her shift and was ticketed for driving without insurance.

Ole Miss football WR Elijah Moore was penalized for doing an all-fours urinating dog celebration in the end zone following a touchdown. Moore would have been given a bad dog timeout, but the coach was out of them.

Some Walmart shoppers are threatening to boycott the stores after it was revealed workers don’t receive extra pay to work on Thanksgiving. However, most Walmart shoppers asked each other what “boycott” means.

  • Some stores such as Macy’s, Target & JCPenney pay overtime for holiday work. KMart does not, but they have something called Going Out Of Business Pay.

Military aircraft were scrambled when radar detected an unknown “slow moving blob” approaching air space near the White House. It has yet to be identified, with speculation that it was either a large flock of birds, or Attorney General William Barr hang-gliding.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Carson Wentz and his wife Madison are expecting a child. The completed pass to her egg raised Wentz’s QB Rating for the first time in a month.

 

 

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Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.