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Donald Trump was indicted on seven counts related to illegal handling of classified documents. Despite the pending legal action, Trump will still make public appearances, including June 12th for Grimace’s Birthday at McDonald’s.

According to a Harvard study, asking other people for advice makes you appear smarter – unless you’re asking other people the best way to learn how to read.

As air quality worsened in the Eastern U.S. due to Canadian wildfires, some cities opened ‘smoke shelters’. While these shelters did allow homeless people to breathe cleaner air, many were confused because they thought they could bum Marlboros.

Mitchell Taebel, 33, of Indiana was charged with stalking and trying to meet Taylor Swift on her Eras Tour. Taebel traveled to Nashville and attempted to enter Swift’s condominium there, which he said was a lot cheaper than actually buying concert tickets.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson married girlfriend Jessi Lawless. Jameson said that, in the past, she only had relationships with men because she wanted children, or because the direcxtor shouted “Action!”.

Google is now requiring employees to work three days per week in corporate offices, and office attendance is part of performance reviews. “Meets expectations” has been replaced by “shows up”.

A CNN meteorologist used a match to demonstrate how quickly smoke impacts air quality. It’s believed to be the first time CNN broadcast from a stall in the men’s room.

U.S. Intelligence agencies claim Russia is building a drone factory with Iran’s help. They believe the drones could be used for lethal attacks on Ukraine, and to make Amazon deliveries easier to Moscow and Tehran.

New York officials are considering postponing the Belmont Stakes due to air quality. Horses say if they can stand the air in their stalls, they’re fine with the air on the track.

A Columbia University study claims taurine – active ingredient in most energy drinks – could slow aging and extend healthy lifestyles. Red Bull is now sponsoring all-night raves at retirement homes.

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Researchers at Columbia University found stressed-out pregnant women are likelier to give birth to a girl. Men who want a son are advised to get a woman pregnant, then get lost.

The Paris Zoological Park is displaying a slimy organism, physarum polycephalum, that it calls “The Blob”. It’s a slimy bright-yellow organism that can heal itself and has 720 different sexes.  U.S. zoos may also display it, but will call it “Gender Fluid”.

Nickelodeon Universe – the U.S.’ largest indoor theme park – opens this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Employees are being trained to spot the difference between slime and vomit. [Story h/t to N.Y.]

Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia debuted Whizzy, the first cheesesteak mascot. Whizzy was introduced, then taken into custody for beating up a child wearing a NY Rangers jersey. [Story h/t to about thirty different people in Philadelphia.]

Morganna The Kissing Bandit – buxom baseball fan who ran onto the playing field to kiss players – said she was arrested 19 times…and strip-searched over 100 times.

Donald Trump decided not to hold the G7 Summit at his Trump Doral Resort in Florida, amidst criticism from Democrats, Republicans, and international leaders who want to stay at Disney World.

Senator Mitt Romney admitted that Twitter handle “Pierre Delecto” – used to defend Romney and express his opinions – was Romney himself. The account raised suspicion because no one believed a gay-sounding French guy would live in Utah.

Miley Cyrus said on Instagram “you don’t have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you just got to find them”. Her message totally inspired lonely straight women, while totally confusing gay men.

Rafael Nadal married his longtime girlfriend. They did it three times on their wedding night: Six love, six love, six love.

The University of Oklahoma’s ‘Sooner Schooner’ – a horse-drawn carriage that celebrates touchdowns – toppled and crashed on Saturday. The student drivers were O…K…. and officials said it was bound to happen Sooner or later.

 

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New England Patriots Rob Gronkowski was criticized for a lewd response to a woman reporter’s question. When asked about returning next season, Gronk said “you guys know my favorite number..ask her..what’s six times nine plus six plus nine?’ ” Gronkowski, who attended the University of Arizona, genuinely didn’t know the answer.

Newsweek reported that President Trump had nothing listed on his official schedule this week except for lunch and an intelligence briefing. “Who the f*** accepted the intelligence briefing?” he shouted at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.

Researchers at Columbia University have trained artificial intelligence to read brain activity and turn it into speech — great news, except for men looking at women who definitely don’t want their brain activity turned into speech.

Dietitians are warning Americans about the OMAD [One Meal A Day] Diet, a form of intermittent fasting. They’re worried about dieters who follow OMAD’s ’23 hours fasting, one hour of food’ rules, and more worried about the ones whose one meal lasts 23 hours.

Maroon 5 canceled a scheduled news conference to discuss the band’s Super Bowl halftime performance — arguably, the only badass thing they’ve ever done.

MoviePass competitor Sinemia dropped their prices and added a feature allowing subscribers to roll over unused screenings to the next month. This, in addition to Sinemia’s new brand campaign reminding people it’s not a psoriasis drug.

Samsung announced they’re making a 1 TB memory chip for smartphones. Samsung said its power users demand more onboard storage, since they dislike saving their homemade porno movies to the cloud.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook discussed the company’s favorable financial results, attributing them to food delivery, more modernized stores, improving their app, and putting a ton of salt in everything.

Kohl’s is partnering with Weight Watchers. They’ll offer in-store workshops and diet coaching for members in the program, and larger sizes for those who quit.

The death toll from the Midwest’s extreme polar cold wave stands at 11. More deaths are expected to be confirmed as soon as the ice is chipped off of people’s necks to check their pulse.

Consumer Reports tested 45 different fruit juice drinks and found 21 contained harmful levels of cadmium, arsenic & lead. There are no reports yet of children being harmed by the high levels of metal, but the kids drinking it are all heavier.