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A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.

 

 

 

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Target announced it’s hiring 100,000 seasonal holiday workers, or about one-tenth of everyone Amazon doesn’t want.

Bernie Sanders will introduce legislation on Wednesday that would make Medicare a universal health insurance program. The legislation has no chance of passing due to the Republican congressional majority, and because BernCare sounds so painful.

  • Sanders hopes to sell universal Medicare with a catchy new slogan “it isn’t just for geezers anymore.”

Congress passed a bipartisan measure calling on President Trump to denounce hate groups. Trump swiftly crafted a message denouncing Democrats and ethnic minorities who hate him.

President Trump is planning a 13-city tour to sell his ideas for tax reform to whoever he’s golfing with in those 13 cities.

Apple introduced the long-rumored iPhone X. It costs $1,000 and includes new features such as facial recognition – it recognizes your expression that you wish you had your $1,000 back.

  • Analysts expect iPhone X to be in very short supply this holiday season, since it can only be found inside of specific Hatchimals.

Eric and Lara Trump welcomed a son, Eric ‘Luke’ Trump – President Trump’s 9th grandchild. President Trump tweeted to welcome his 12th grandchild.

  • CNN, criticized by the President as Fake News, promised an exclusive interview with the stork that delivered the baby.

Cybersecurity company Armis Labs warns that over 5 Billion electronic devices are vulnerable to malware called ‘BlueBorne’, which attacks devices via Bluetooth. However, in some cases, the malware becomes so annoyed with the Bluetooth user’s loud conversation that it leaves.

Harrison Ford has broken the silence regarding an affair he had with Carrie Fisher when he was 33 and married, and she was 19. The silence was broken by high-fives he gets from Star Wars fans.

 

 

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Frontier Airlines announced plans to double in size. The low-cost carrier will service dozens of new cities, and add hundreds of new jobs losing baggage.

Donald Trump met with GOP Senators, urging them not to recess until they’d solved health care. Trump added “inaction is not an option” – which came as news not just to GOP Senators, but to every Congressperson, ever.

  • One Senator, hearing the President say “not to leave town” and “inaction is an option” quickly drafted a bill proposing a Monument to Irony.

A doctor in the U.K. examining a woman for cataracts instead found 27 contact lenses under her eyelid. The woman was able to save a lot of money on unnecessary cataract surgery and contact lens solution.

  • Her eyeball was found in a contact lens case on the woman’s nightstand.

‘Despacito’ broke the record for most-streamed song ever, with 4.6 billion streams, and 8.6 billion skips.

Robbers stole two blocks of award-winning vintage cheddar cheese from a farm show in southern England. The robbers are still at large, and Scotland Yard has beefed up security at area cracker factories.

WalMart is deploying a facial recognition system to detect unhappy shoppers in its stores. The system overloaded and crashed within a minute of launch.

  • Asked how it works, a WalMart developer said “it just takes everyone’s picture.”

Frances Gabe of Portland, OR, inventor of the world’s only self-cleaning house, died at age 101. Her house immediately quit.

Muppet Studios has finally spoken about the reasons given for firing Steve Whitmire, longtime voice of Kermit the Frog, saying that Whitmire displayed “unacceptable business conduct.” Whitmire called the firing a “betrayal”, and cited decades of verbal abuse by a blond pig.

Samsung launched its Bixby voice assistant to compete with Siri, Cortana & Google Voice. Samsung says that Bixby is good at responding to normal tasks, such as “Bixby read my texts..Bixby turn up the volume..Bixby call the fire department.”

Rosie O’Donnell angered conservatives by tweeting a game where you can make President Trump jump off a cliff. The developer promised an update where you can make Trump and Rosie jump while holding hands.

The U.S.’ second-highest ranking general has warned about threats to U.S. interests from rogue killer robots, many of which already have jobs at Amazon.

A new study indicates that Americans are having less sex than in the 90s – possibly because they’re 20 years older and not as hot looking.

Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin faces criticism for not hiring an Arab actress to play Jasmine. Disney replied, saying all of the Arab actresses are stuck at the airport.