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The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers announced a plan to build a privately funded arena in downtown Philadelphia. Philly Police don’t know if the city is ready for another 80 or so shots on game nights.

Ivana Trump was buried yesterday, following a closed-casket funeral that featured Donald Trump opening the casket to make sure she didn’t still have anything of his.

Kylie Jenner is being dragged on social media as a ‘climate criminal’ for taking rides on her private jet as short as three minutes. She defended her actions, saying some days her 12 cars won’t start.

The NFL’s New York Giants announced two ‘Legacy Games’ where they’ll wear their throwback uniforms from the Super Bowl Championship era of the 80s & 90s. Unfortunately for fans, they’ll still play like it’s 2022.

The prosecution rested its case in Steve Bannon’s contempt of Congress trial after just two days, two witnesses, and zero showers, shaves or shampoos for the defendant.

Police in Pennsylvania were called to a home where a man was in cardiac arrest while being strangled by a 15-foot snake. An officer killed the snake by shooting it in the head, then was placed on administrative leave because the snake was unarmed.

An An, the world’s oldest male panda in captivity died at age 35 in Hong Kong. He lived in a theme park zoo along with male Ye Ye and female Ling Ling, who say they’ll miss the threesomes.

A redhead spotted with Johnny Depp during an appearance in Italy was confirmed not to be a girlfriend, but as a French teacher working on his new movie, ‘Jeanne du Barry‘. The reports were confirmed when she & Depp were spotted Frenching in a limousine.

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

Amazon is expanding into healthcare with the acquisition of primary care company One Health. Analysts expected the news when they saw red-hot Prime Day deals on pacemakers and replacement joints.

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Netflix posted its largest subscriber loss, with 970,000 people leaving the service in the 2nd quarter. In an effort to turn things around, Netflix hired Comcast’s President of Customer Service so it takes people at least 90 days on the phone to cancel.

Donald Trump called the leader of the Wisconsin state Republican party this month to tell him to decertify results of the 2020 election. He then called Roger Goodell to decertify the New England Patriots 2019 Super Bowl victory because Tom Brady doesn’t return his calls anymore.

DNA from a coffee cup discarded at Philadelphia Airport was used to charge a man with the 1975 cold case murder of a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania woman. David Sinopoli, 68, was charged with the killing after he was rushed to hospital with convulsions from the Dunkin coffee.

Bruce Willis commemorated the 34th Anniversary of the original ‘Die Hard’ by visiting Los Angeles’ Fox Plaza, which served as the Nakatomi Building during filming. Willis, who retired from acting due to cognitive impairment, finished the visit by pushing a British guy in a suit out of a 40th floor window.

The Secret Service delivered only a single text exchange from their cell phones on January 5th & 6th, as requested by the January 6th Committee. It was from an agent assigned to the White House texting Melania Trump ‘u up?’.

Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the Berlin premiere of his action movie Bullet Train. Pitt did not comment, but the skirt choice may have been influenced by the record heat, and by his 2019 divorce agreement that Angelina Jolie wears the pants in their family.

DoorDash will now require customers requesting alcohol deliveries to upload a picture of their ID, and have the ID scanned by the delivery driver. This, after DoorDash supplied the alcohol for the most bitchin’, epic, Sweet 16 party in Phoenix history.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather showed off an $18,000 mink-covered child car seat he’ll use when transporting his young grandson. Mayweather also asked for recommendations for someone who knows how to clean urine and vomit out of mink.

A Pennsylvania barber featured on 90 Day Fiance is being sought by law enforcement for his role in a murder-for-hire plot against his barbershop boss. He faces a featured role on 90 Year Fiance.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Milan was warned by police that the dogs he was walking are not allowed on the Redondo Beach Pier in California. Milan immediately complied, taking his dogs off of the pier so they could each take a dump on the beach.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci wants the monkeypox virus to be taken more seriously. He believes the first step is calling it something much less hilarious than monkeypox.

A transgender female incarcerated at a New Jersey women’s prison was moved to a men’s facility after impregnating two female inmates. She’s also ordered to pay child support to each mother in the form of ten loose cigarettes a month.

A class action lawsuit alleges Skittles candy is “unfit for human consumption” because of heightened levels of known toxin titanium dioxide. Skittles maker Mars Candy refutes the claim, but halted the introduction of new Tropical Fruit Round-Up Skittles.

Ricky Martin denies a sexual relationship with his nephew, who was granted a restraining order against the singer. However, the nephew’s attorney provided evidence, including Martin’s new single ‘Livin La Vida Incesto’.

New reports show the U.S. Governments’ Departments of Homeland Security, Border Patrol, & Customs are acquiring and using huge amounts of location data from smartphone apps in violation of individual privacy rights. The app data also show some illegal immigrants making really good time getting from Tijuana to Dallas.

Netflix is testing a new payment plan for password sharing, which they call the Add A Home plan. Add A Home tested more favorably with consumers than their other name idea, the Just Tell Your Cheapskate Friend To Get Their Own Account plan.

The United Kingdom is facing its worst heat wave in history, with just 1% of the population owning air conditioners, and federal laws banning citizens from putting ice in their 3 o’clock tea.

Sesame Place theme park is apologizing after a viral video showed costumed character Rosita appearing to ignore two black girls asking for a hug during a parade. Going forward, Rosita will be replaced in the parade by Oscar The Grouch, who will tell all kids to get lost.

A Florida man admitted to lighting firecrackers and throwing them under the bed of a 9-year-old girl. He conceded in court it was the wrong thing to do, but said it did scare away the monsters.

Airline industry analyst Oliver Wyman’s forecasts the global pilot shortage will reach 32,000 openings in ten years. Spirit Airlines is currently conducting interviews with unemployed losers living in their parent’s basement playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.

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BMW is charging $18/month to activate heated seats in its vehicles. They’re also planning to charge $20 for ventilated seats and rolling down the windows when the on-board GPS detects the vehicle at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Elon Musk’s 76-year-old father Errol confirmed he fathered a child with his 34-year-old stepdaughter. Errol Musk blamed the pregnancy on his penis’s Autopilot function.

Tom Brady said his immense wealth is the hardest thing about parenting. He said the second-hardest is his stupid f***ing kids.

Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp confirmed in an interview that his character, Will Byers, is gay. Vecna confirmed in a different interview that he’s non-binary.

The Italian beach town of Sorrento imposed a new fine on bare chests in public. Although Good Samaritan Sorrento creeps are offering to pay the fine for women 40 & under.

Odor complaints in New York City have reached an all-time high as a result of the high heat, homeless encampments & rotting trash. Residents say it’s the first time they’ve seen rats wearing face masks and Axe body spray.

Thefts of purebred French Bulldogs have become a nationwide crime epidemic. Owners report having their dogs stolen at gunpoint. But, because they’re French, the dogs typically surrender to the kidnappers.

Uber is being sued for sexual assault by 550 women – with a cumulative average customer rating of 1.5 stars.

A South African man competing in a drinking challenge to win $12 died after downing a full bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes. So far, a dozen people on organ transplant waiting lists have passed on taking his liver.

Ivana Trump died at age 73. Eric Trump said funeral arrangements and a guest list are still pending, but he hopes the stork that carried him to her will attend.