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A rhinoceros seriously injured a Jacksonville zookeeper during a training session, where neither of them did very well.

After being bitten while feeding a stray cat, a Florida woman was charged over $48,000 for precautionary rabies vaccines. The cat just assumed it wouldn’t be adopted.

The black box from the Amazon Prime Air crash in Houston has yet to be delivered to the FAA. The FAA got an email from Amazon saying a shipment label has been printed, but no delivery date is set.

Detric Lee McGowan, a South Carolina man who gained notoriety for mysteriously buying $540 worth of Girl Scout cookies, was arrested on charges of manufacturing heroin and fentanyl pills. “Look, we don’t ask where the money comes from, we just sell the cookies” said an agitated Girl Scout.

Michael Cohen is set to testify before Congress that President Donald Trump is a liar, conman and a racist — leaving Congress wondering what to ask about for the remaining eight hours after that first minute is up.

United Methodists rejected a resolution that would have permitted LGBTQ clergy and approved same-sex marriage. They’re considering a new resolution to change their name to Occasionally United Methodists.

Starbucks opened its largest location, a 32,000 square foot store in Tokyo. The store features multiple exhibits and a large meeting space, so employees can practice calling the cops on non-Japanese visitors who don’t buy anything.

Just a week after Duke’s Zion Williamson had his Nike shoe split open during a game, Indiana’s Justin Smith had the same thing happen to him with an Adidas shoe. NCAA major-college coaches are now seeing if larger sizes are still available at the Payless going-out-of-business sale.

Gerber selected Kairi Yang, an infant of Hmong ethnicity, from over a half-million applicants to be its 2019 Spokesbaby. Yang was selected because it was 5 o’clock and her picture was on top of the pile.

Viral video app TikTok is launching a series of online safety videos. They say it will help users navigate the proper way to eat detergent or snort condoms and pull them out of your mouth.

 

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OpenAI -a non-profit artificial intelligence company – has created a text generator that’s so good, they consider it too dangerous to release. They tested by having 50 women ask if they looked good in a dress; it was able to give 50 different versions of ‘no’ that still left the women happy.

Bill Gates says that bovine flatulence – cow farts – are a dangerous contributor to climate change. The problem is not only with the methane gas, but with the millions of matches lit by cows to cover it up.

Hundreds of people traveling via British airline Flybmi are stranded after it suddenly went out of business. Flybmi still holds a comfortable lead over Frontier and Spirit in customer satisfaction.

Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations – former ‘Fox & Friends’ host & State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert – withdrew from consideration. She allegedly hired an undocumented nanny who failed to file tax returns. Nauert said she will build a wall around her yard to keep it from happening again.

Valerie Gonzalez, 32, was escorted off of a JetBlue flight from Florida to Las Vegas after a profane tirade about being seated next to a three-year-old following a day of drinking. FAA investigators are questioning JetBlue about how she got in the cockpit.

Radar Online reports Khloe Kardashian and baby daddy Tristan Thompson split, 10 months after video emerged of Thompson with other women. The split comes five months in to the NBA season, which translates to about 50 more hookups for Thompson.

The U.S. Copyright Office rejected Alfonso Ribeiro’s attempt to register his Carlton Dance from  ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. They now take on their most challenging case ever, the copyright request for the Pop & Lock by the estate of dead ‘What’s Happening’ actor Fred ‘Rerun’ Berry.

Payless is closing all 2,100 U.S. stores – so expect your cheap-ass Mom to load up on sneakers your friends will make fun of.

Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner was released from federal prison and must register as a sex offender. Weiner must live in a halfway house or home confinement, while his sexting and Tinder hookups are supervised by government employees.

NASCAR’s Daytona 500 took place Sunday, marking the beginning of Redneck New Year.

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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A woman saved her yellow labrador’s life with Narcan after the dog chewed open a bottle of oxycodone and overdosed. The dog fully recovered and now works as a counselor to other dogs struggling with opioids.

A Utah dog retrieved help for two girls struck by lightning. Rescuers eventually found the girls, after first misunderstanding the dog say there was trouble at the old mill.

A worker was suspended for punching an EasyJet passenger in the face after an altercation at the airport in Nice, France. Or as it’s now known, Not-So-Nice, France.

New series Star Trek:Discovery will introduce Lieutenant Stamets, the first openly gay character in the Star Trek Universe — a claim disputed by those who served on the Enterprise with Sulu and Data.

A British man totaled a new $260,000 Ferrari less than an hour after driving it off the lot. The man survived the fiery wreck and said his only regret was insuring the car with The General.

Katie Couric is leaving Yahoo. “Who? What?” said everyone under 30.

A pregnant ob/gyn went in to labor after starting to deliver her patient’s baby just minutes earlier. She told the patient to push twice – once with her hips to push the patient’s baby out, and once with her hands to hold the doctor’s baby in until she was done.

A woman called 911 to report a boa constrictor repeatedly biting her face. The 911 Operator told the woman how lucky she was, since boa constrictors usually just crush people to death.

The Chicago Cubs will give a 2016 World Series ring to infamous fan Steve Bartman. Bartman will receive two rings – one to keep and one to drop.

A new study in the journal Frontiers of Public Health states that Overfat people – those of normal body weight with too much fat in their bodies – are a growing at-risk subset of the population. Overfat people replied that they prefer the term Well-Marbled.

Los Angeles will host the 2028 Summer Olympics. Crowds of excited locals are expected to arrive at the games in the autumn.

Anthony Scaramucci is out as White House Communications Director after just one week – according to a statement he released to himself.

A U.S. District Court of Appeals sided with a consumer advocacy group, saying the FAA needs to reconsider regulating the narrowing widths of airline seats. Airlines countered that narrower seats are needed to create wider aisles to drag passengers.