By |

An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.

 

By |

Passengers on Jet Airways Flight 697 from Mumbai to Jaipur, India, started bleeding from their nose and ears mid-flight because the flight crew forgot to pressurize the cabin, and because many of them were sitting next to babies that had eaten spicy Indian food.

Facebook launched Facebook Dating in Colombia, making it much easier to find a boyfriend who can score you some cocaine.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigned following a New York Times story stating he discussed taping President Trump or having him removed from office for incompetence. Rosenstein, who oversees Special Counsel Robert Mueller, is expected to be replaced by The Apprentice champion Bret Michaels of Poison.

LinkedIn published an article entitled ‘How Robots Are Hiring Job Candidates’. The answer, of course, is by identifying attractive candidates who like to have sex with robots.

A second woman has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, turning his #MeToo problem into a #MeThree problem.

Bill Cosby will be sentenced this week for his sexual assault conviction, and his sentence will be repeated in about six or seven weeks.

An Australian mother watched in horror as an eastern brown snake – one of the most lethally venomous land snakes in the world – slithered through a window and into her baby’s crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib at the time, and the snake was safely captured and removed, but only after hearing ‘Goodnight Moon’ three times.

Congress is expected to pass a sweeping bill to regulate the U.S. aviation industry, including making it illegal to bump & remove passengers who have already boarded an overbooked flight. The news was welcomed by frequent fliers, but disappointing to United Airlines’ newly-hired bouncers.

Cody Wilson, the firearms activist who controversially issued plans for untraceable 3D-printed guns, was arrested on charges of paying for sex with an underage woman. Prosecutors charged him with statutory sexual assault and submitted their evidence, including a 3D-printed condom.

On  a new ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Kris Jenner said that she was the one who pulled her granddaughter, Stormi, from Kylie Jenner during birth. Kris was able to remove the newborn with one hand, and get Stormi’s footprint on a personal services contract with the other.

SiriusXM is buying streaming service Pandora for $3.5 billion, but has yet to announce to Pandora users how many skips they’ll get.

 

By |

A Utah high-school girl who wore a traditional cheongsam – a Chinese formal dress – to her prom, received backlash on Twitter for ‘cultural appropriation’ from some people of Chinese descent. They argue the cheongsam is only for Chinese women to wear for special occasions, or in Asian porno movies not set in a massage parlor.

Facebook will soon offer a dating service. They’ll also offer a gay dating service, Penisbook.

Facebook also announced a new “Clear History” button to remove digital traces of apps and sites that you’ve clicked in the past. So Congratulations! – for all anyone knows, you’re not a racist or pervert anymore!

Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein, claims that Trump’s one-time bodyguard, Keith Schiller, raided his office in February, 2017 and took Trump’s medical files. Bernstein commented to NBC News that he felt “raped” – and that he should know rape, since he was once Ivana Trump’s doctor, too.

The New York Times published a list of 49 questions allegedly compiled by Special Counsel Robert Mueller that would be asked to President Trump. Trump condemned the leak of the question list, and the fact that they didn’t come with multiple-choice answers.

CNN reports that over 100 Uber drivers have been accused of sexual assault. Worse, the drivers plan to use the “They got where they were going, didn’t they?” defense.

Wall Street is worried about slowing demand for the iPhone, due to Apple’s reported cancellation of iPhone component orders. Apple has reportedly laid off so many factory workers, 7th grade classrooms in China now have waiting lists to get in.

‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ top the list of Tony Award nominees, with 12 each. “Where else are you going to see quality entertainment like this?” asked Broadway producers who haven’t heard of basic cable.

The U.S. will return 3,000 ancient artifacts to Iraq that were smuggled into the U.S. under false identification and shipped to Hobby Lobby stores. They’ll also send 3,000 basket making kits because Hobby Lobby wants the Iraqis to have some good family fun.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Goop’ released The Sex Issue – a guide to erotic pleasure for couples. Paltrow advises that couples share a copy and pass their Goop back & forth.