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MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.