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Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.

 

 

 

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The LPGA announced a new dress code for its women golfers — banning ‘plunging necklines’ and ‘short skirts’ that don’t cover the player’s buttocks. The rules come just days after women competed in the U.S. Women’s Open at Trump National, a club where the women’s dress code requires plunging necklines and short skirts that don’t cover players’ buttocks.

Wild monkeys – specifically, feral macaques – are scaring residents in central Florida. The groups of monkeys are taking up residence in backyards and chasing visitors to a state park where the monkeys live in large numbers. Animal experts say that the monkeys are highly intelligent and adaptable, meaning they’ll probably want to leave Florida soon.

Traces of fecal coliform bacteria a.k.a. ‘poop bacteria’ were detected in drinks purchased at U.K. locations of McDonalds, Burger King and KFC. KFC responded by immediately shutting down ice machines at affected locations; McDonalds and Burger King responded by saying the drinks are still a lot safer than the hamburgers.

Diners at a Chipotle location in Dallas captured video of rodents in the restaurant. The store manager states that the rodents were removed; the rodents say they left after finding out that guacamole costs a little extra.

  • Following reports of norovirus at a Chipotle in Virginia, the chain offered a short buy one/get one promotion, called Diarrhea Loves Company.

Charlize Theron’s new action movie, Atomic Blonde, opens this month. The film will not be shown in North Korea, where Atomic Blonde is what they call Donald Trump.

OJ Simpson’s parole hearing received extensive coverage on broadcast and cable networks. A confused, angry President Trump was left to tweet about Fake News he thinks he saw on Golf Channel.

  • Simpson was granted parole. He thanked the board and said he can’t wait to get out and work with Leslie Nielsen again.

The LA Times reported that former Dean of Medicine at USC, Carmen Puliafito, used meth & ecstasy and partied with prostitutes while on the job. Puliafito, who resigned in 2016, awaits his cabinet appointment as President Trump’s Drug Czar.

‘Despacito’, just certified the most streamed song ever, has been banned by Malaysian Government Radio for being too sexually suggestive. In other news, John Denver’s Greatest Hits topped Malaysia’s Top 40 for the 2000th straight week.

Dallas, TX hired Ulysha Renee Hall, its first-ever female police chief. Accepting the position, Hall said “women add that special something to law enforcement that truly, truly calms the savage beasts.” As what that ‘special something’ was, Hall replied ‘guns’.

Donald Trump blasted Attorney General Jeff Sessions in a New York Times interview for recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Sessions told reporters he’s stay on the job, but that he’d give Trump something he knows nothing about, the silent treatment.

 

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate’s August recess in hope of getting the GOP Health Care Bill revised and passed. McConnell is waiting for D.C. to become hot as hell before attempting to get it to freeze over.

In the wake of the revelation that Donald Trump Jr met with a Russian lawyer to gather ‘dirt’ on Hillary Clinton, his father, Donald Trump, released a statement describing his son as a “high quality person”. Trump became the first sitting President to defend his child via a 3 1/2 star Yelp! review.

Donald Trump Jr stated that he released the heretofore private emails in the interest of offering “transparency”. Which is like a guy getting caught in a prostitution sting and emailing the evidence to his wife, because “transparency” fixes everything.

Warren Buffett donated $3.2 Billion in Berkshire Hathaway shares to charity. President Trump said that he, too, would donate billions to charity if he wasn’t being audited..and if he actually had billions of dollars.

80 Florida beachgoers formed a human chain to save a family from drowning in rip currents. 70 were tourists, 5 were lifeguards, and 5 sold ice cream as the chain formed.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines is under fire for requiring pregnancy tests from female applicants for flight attendant positions. The carrier defended the practice, saying they wanted to give some good news to select applicants that didn’t get the job.

  • United Airlines defended the practice, saying it’s extremely difficult for pregnant flight attendants to drag passengers off of planes.

A Watertown, NY man has constructed a “Blessing Box” – an unlocked food pantry located on his front lawn – to help the less fortunate. He claims that he’s helped feed dozens of needy families, and countless raccoons.

Facebook hinted at plans to add advertisements to its Messenger chat app — at least until you figure out how to Leave The Conversation.

Shares of Snapchat have fallen below their $17 IPO price amidst mounting losses. Owners of Snapchat stock now have an exclusive filter where they can make themselves look like jackasses.

The University of Washington has created a prototype mobile phone that doesn’t require a battery. The phone runs on ambient radio waves and solar power. The good news is that there’s no battery; the bad news is that on rainy days you lose your charger.