By |

After cutting ties with Kanye West, Adidas plans to sell Yeezy footwear under a new name. So far they’ve ruled out Kyreezy and Will Smeezy.

Four U.S. states abolished slavery, effectively eliminating themselves from consideration for a new Amazon distribution center.

Transgender beauty influencer Nikita Dragun was reportedly placed in a men’s unit of a Miami jail after her arrest for walking naked around a hotel pool. Dragun did influence male prisoners into thinking about sex with a transgender woman.

Tomorrow Marvel’s Black Panther sequel premieres. Which, at 2 hours and 41 minutes, feels like it takes Wakanda Forever.

Some Saturday Night Live writers are boycotting this week’s show hosted by Dave Chappelle, over his allegedly transphobic jokes. Chappelle will be left with little choice but to write his own sketches that are actually original and funny.

Bride-to-be Tiffany Trump is reportedly “flipping out” that Tropical Storm Nicole could ruin her Saturday wedding at Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump still plans to give Tiffany away, even though he thought he gave her away years ago.

Sylvester Stallone gave an update on friend Bruce Willis’ health amid Willis’ battle with aphasia. Afterward, listeners asked if someone with a fully-functioning brain could give a better update.

Joey Arcidiacono, a man arrested for throwing a can of White Claw seltzer at Ted Cruz during the Houston Astros World Series victory parade, claims he wanted Cruz to catch it – in his jaw.

Pennsylvania state legislator Tony DeLuca was reelected despite dying last month. He’ll be the first-ever elected official sworn in with a Ouija board.

Donald Trump blamed his wife Melania for convincing him to endorse Dr. Oz in his failed bid for U.S. Senate, calling it “not her best decision”. Said Melania “neither was this” as she held up her ring finger.

By |

Sylvester Stallone is reportedly angry that MGM is making a spinoff film about Ivan Drago and his son, saying the studio is “exploiting” his characters. Stallone made the comments from the Ft. Lauderdale set of the upcoming ‘Rocky’s Spring Break‘.

Cassadee Pope, past winner of NBC’s The Voice, clapped back at criticism that no one from the show ever got famous, saying she was just booked on the Emo’s Not Dead music cruise. Pope will be in charge of the salad bar.

January 6th rioter Guy Reffitt was sentenced to 7 years in jail for carrying a gun into the Capitol and threatening violence against Nancy Pelosi. He is, however, now eligible for the special ‘Patriot Rate’ for a burial plot at Trump National golf course.

Adolf Hitler’s gold watch – inscribed with his initials and a swastika, sold for $1.1 million. It was reportedly looted from his mountain hideout, and appraised at a recent stop of Nazi Antiques Roadshow.

A new study states eating ultraprocessed food is linked to cognitive decline in the area of the brain that controls ‘executive function’ – leading to the executive decision to have hot dogs for dinner every night.

Ayman al=Zawahiri, leader of Al Qaeda, was killed in Kabul, Afghanistan. al-Zawahiri was killed by Hellfire missiles launched from a drone whie he stood on his balcony. His reported last words were: “those are some big shooting stars”.

A defense expert claims the examination of the vape cartridges in Britney Griner’s luggage violated Russian law, adding that it might be the biggest human rights violation perpetrated by Russia in recent memory.

Larry Rudolph, a multimillionaire big-game hunter and dentist from Pennsylvania, was found guilty of killing his wife while on an African safari. Rudolph contended it was an accident, and that he lovingly mounted her head on the wall of his den.

A Mississippi Airbnb listing of ‘former slave quarters’ has been removed from the service. The owner had categorized it as a ‘bed and breakfast and 12 hours in a cotton field’.

Following the Sesame Place controversy, a New Jersey mother is claiming the Chuck E. Cheese mascot ignored her black daughter’s request for a high-five. The costumed rat defended his actions, saying he wasn’t ignoring her, she was just out of tokens.

By |

Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

By |

After the website crashed on the final day of open enrollment, the National Healthcare Marketplace – Obamacare – extended the deadline. People getting Obamacare were given one more day to find out their credit card was declined.

25 years after its initial release, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Experts seeking to prevent mass shootings hope the same thing doesn’t happen with Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’.

Coca-Cola is starting the Coca-Cola Insiders Club, where subscribers pay $10/month to get a monthly shipment of new-to-the-public Coke beverages along with “other surprises”, like replacement teeth.

After a series of hacks, Ring security camera makers gave advice on how to keep your camera from being accessed. They include using two-factor authentication, changing passwords, and looking gross so hackers won’t want to spy on you.

A Chinese woman will be deported after her conviction for operating a “birth tourism” business – where pregnant Chinese women would give birth in the U.S. so their children would be U.S. citizens. She was discovered after too many customers delivered girls and left them when they returned to China.

Sylvester Stallone visited the famed ‘Rocky’ statue in Philadelphia on Monday, as part of a secret that he would only describe as “something extraordinary” – leaving many to think it would be something extraordinary if he stopped making movies.

Chain restaurants such as Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, and others are using “ghost kitchens” – kitchens without restaurants that are solely devoted to online & delivery orders. However they’re concerned about “ghost delivery drivers” who disappear with the food.

Members of Mötley Crüe are reportedly working with trainers and nutritionists to prepare for their summer stadium tour. Bassist Nikki Sixx said he’s eating 2500 “macro balanced” calories a day, while guitarist Mick Mars receives daily one-gallon infusions of teenage blood.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta reunited for a Grease Sing-A-Long in Florida, with Newton-John wearing her original costume, and Travolta wearing his costume and a full head of hair.

Ironically, Clint Eastwood biopic ‘Richard Jewell’ bombed at the weekend box office, despite Jewell not really being the bomber.

By |

Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.