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A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

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Archaeologists are studying the remains of the oldest dog found on the American continent. But they still haven’t been able to remove the knotted-up rope from its mouth.

The U.S. Postal Service shared photos of its new, gas-&-electric-powered mail trucks. They’re scheduled to be on the road in 2023, so look for them in 2025.

Discovery Channel is airing a new documentary ‘Attack of the Murder Hornets’ about the killer insects. Meanwhile, rival network TLC is airing ‘My 6 Ounce Life’ about an obese murder hornet desperate to lose weight.

Health officials identified a new California strain of coronavirus. They say it’s deadly, but may be weakened with bread because it’s reeeeally trying to cut out gluten.

Two Australians were incorrectly injected with the COVID-19 vaccine. The nurse pushed the needle all the way through her thumb.

Chicago, Illinois State Representative Marcus C. Evans introduced a bill to ban violent videogames like ‘Grand Theft Auto’ in response to a rise in real-life carjackings. He also wants to remove barrels from the gorilla enclosure at the Chicago Zoo.

An Oklahoma veterinarian shared a photo of Skipper, a shepherd/border collie mix with six legs. The dog was rescued from an Oklahoma farmer who thought it was a really big spider.

An American Airlines pilot reported a “large, cylindrical object” flying over his jet at 35,000 feet en route from Kentucky to Arizona. He then finished off the bourbon bottle and landed in Phoenix.

A homeless malnourished sheep found wandering in rural Australia was rescued and shorn of over 77 pounds of wool. Its condition was upgraded to ‘stable, but cold’.

Facing a steep population decline, Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban is spending huge sums of money to encourage women to have babies – starting with the intern he just hired.

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The Electoral College meets today and will confirm Joe Biden’s victory over Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election. Over 130 Republican Congressmen joined a new Trump lawsuit to confirm his victory in the Electoral Community College.

Video game publisher Electronic Arts acquired Codemasters – publishers of popular Micro Machines games. EA plans to create Grand Theft Auto-type games where players can run over hookers with tiny cars.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians will reportedly change their team name from Indians. Native American leaders praised the move, saying they’ve suffered enough from their hundred-year association with the city of Cleveland.

Google suffered a service outage early Monday, impacting Gmail, search, Google Drive and other services. Although the outage was fixed in an hour, it will be cited as an excuse for “that email I never got” for several months.

Homeland Security confirmed a Russian cyberattack on the U.S. Treasury. The U.S. Mint will trash $10 bills whose backs were engraved with a photo of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed that Barack Obama slept in.

Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins will direct Rogue Squadron – the next entry in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Jenkins promises to add lots of women Rebel fighter pilots, and crew who are nervous about flying with them.

Facebook announced its new musical collaboration app, Collab, so users can create songs and videos together despite being in different locations. So far, no takers to collaborate with Lee Greenwood on his new song ‘Trump Won By A Landslide’.

A new ABC News/IPSOS poll finds 8 out of 10 Americans would agree to be inoculated against COVID-19, while respondents in the deep South said they’ll wait for a shot instead.

SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket successfully launched another satellite for SiriusXM radio – allowing the broadcaster to offer 200 more channels of Christmas music.

The UK authorized the trial use of psychedelic hallucinogen dimethyltriptamine – DMT – for use in treatment of depression. Drug makers are looking for several hundred Brits who feel depressed, but really groovy.