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The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.

 

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.