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Uvalde, Texas School District Police Chief Pete Arredondo resigned his position on City Council. He’s on leave from the police force and considering joining the SWAT team – which, in his case, is Stand Watching Additional Tragedies.

The Hard Rock Hotel in Atlantic City, New Jersey settled on a new deal with striking casino workers. Unfortunately the union placed all their new wages & benefits on red and lost it.

The restaurants replacing McDonald’s in Russia opened under their new name Vkusno – I Tochka, which translates to “Tasty..and That’s It..and the McFlurry machine is still broken.”

A Long Island, NY beach lifeguard who was mimicking a distressed swimmer during a training exercise was bitten by a shark. The shark was unavailable for a follow-up training exercise because he’s working at two different beaches.

People on social media say anchovies are falling from the sky in San Francisco, as a result of birds carrying them to their nests and dropping them. That, and the hatchlings tossing them out of the tree because they don’t want to eat them either.

Carson Pickett, born with only a stump below her left elbow, became the first player with a limb difference to enter a game for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She was rewarded for her skill, and for being 50% less likely to be called for a hand ball.

A fan at an Eagles concert in the U.K. brawled with security as the rock band played their 70s hit ‘Take It Easy’. Guards pummeled the desperado until he came to his senses.

The CDC is investigating a deadly listeria outbreak linked to Big Olaf Creamery ice cream, which is sold only in Florida. One person died, 22 were sickened, and several kids avoided illness by letting it melt down their arm before parents angrily threw the cone away.

Subway sandwich shops are relaunching with the most aggressive menu makeover in their 60-year history. Customers will now be able to create their own custom sandwiches with a barely detectable layer of meat on them.

A Broward County, Florida man blew his hand off in a fireworks accident. The hand was then successfully attached to an alligator’s stomach.

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Renovated Atlantic City casino/hotels Ocean and Hard Rock Hotel surprised tourists and residents by opening their doors a day early. Both were eager to welcome guests off the famously depressing boardwalk to come in and throw away their money.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the High Court effective July 31st.  Local Planned Parenthood offices announced their first-ever Going Out Of Business Sale this Labor Day.

Jet Blue passengers on a flight from New York to Los Angeles sat with their hands held high in their seats, as cops stormed the tarmac, after the pilot mistakenly punched in a transmission code for “hijacking”. Coincidentally, four 10-year-olds were taken off the plane as the error unwittingly foiled their attempt to take the plane to Disney World.

Scarlett Johansson denied a rumor that she was recruited by the Church of Scientology to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. However an unnamed source said she flunked the interview when she was asked to show emotion, and Johansson replied that she couldn’t.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control said that just 23% of U.S. adults are getting enough exercise. The CDC issued the findings during a press conference from their empty company gym.

  • Mississippi had the lowest reported percentage of exercise-conscious adults, 13.7%. Respondents in Mississippi said their number-one fitness activity is “running from snakes.”

38 North, a consultancy monitoring military activity in North Korea, said that they are not disarming nuclear missile facilities, but are rather fortifying the Yonbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center. North Korean officials dispute the report, saying the missiles were requested for July 4th Fireworks by President Trump.

Amazon is seeking prospective entrepreneurs with $10,000 to apply to start local package delivery businesses for Prime orders. If Amazon turns you down, they show you items You Might Be Interested In costing $10,000.

Chipotle is testing new menu items like quesadillas and tostadas, but their CEO said that it will take up to three years to roll out nationally. Although the test food is expected to roll out of diners in about three minutes, locally.

Retailer H&M said that it’s currently holding $4 billion in inventory of unsold clothing. The retailer is planning aggressive markdowns, and targeted marketing to moms and grandmoms who know how to make boys & girls look embarrassingly uncool when school starts.

LPGA golfer Stacy Lewis said that her primary sponsor, KPMG, will continue to pay her while she takes maternity leave from golf tournaments. She’s still negotiating her return to the tour with her caddy, who’s hesitant to wear a Baby Bjorn and carry a second bag for diapers.