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Heavy equipment manufacturer Caterpillar was fined after a worker fell into an open vat of molten iron heated to more than 2.000 degrees. Caterpillar also refunded a town’s purchase after they bought a backhoe with a skull sticking out of it.

Candace Cameron Bure blames the media for backlash that her Great American Family channel Christmas movies will only feature “traditional” marriage. She also said her movies will not feature Christmas music from the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

Tennessee’s Attorney General launched an investigation into Ticketmaster over residents’ inability to get Taylor Swift tickets. Thousands of rural Tennesseeans waited in line outside of a record store before realizing they needed Internet access.

Medical journal Human Reproduction Update claims the global decline in male sperm counts is accelerating at an increasing rate. “Coulda fooled me” said women in the Planned Parenthood waiting room, and Moms doing laundry.

A blizzard with up to four feet of snow is forecast for Buffalo, NY – and may force the relocation of Sunday’s Buffalo Bills home game against the Cleveland Browns. If not, it will force tailgating Bills fans to find folding tables with five-foot long legs to dive on.

Tim Allen returns to his 90s holiday movie role in Disney+ series The Santa Clauses, where Allen, as Santa, decides he’s only going to deliver toys to red states.

Jay Leno underwent skin graft surgery and is being treated in a hyperbaric chamber after suffering gasoline burns to his face, hands & chest. Nurses are unsuccessfully attempting to swap out of burn unit shifts since they’ve already heard the jokes.

Peacock documentary Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies debuts November 29th. According to the presiding judge at her trial, Casey’s new claim that her father killed the baby means The Truth Lies somewhere other than Casey Anthony’s mouth.

Kim Kardashian shared a bunch of lingerie photos to promote the opening of her SKIMS Holiday Pop-Up – inspiring more than a few Holiday pop-ups from dateless losers looking at them.

NBC ‘Today’ show co-host Jenna Bush Hager told co-host Hoda Kotb she “never wears underwear”, saying “it makes a more pretty silhouette”. Although show producers say it also makes for added expense on wardrobe and chairs.

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A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

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Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.

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NASA said a newly-discovered planet with ‘iron rainfall’ is even more extreme than they thought, based on the countless numbers of umbrellas it’s broken.

After adding the Impossible Whopper to its menu two years ago, Burger King is testing Impossible plant-based chicken nuggets. Burger King says this aligns with their strategy of making their whole menu Impossible to eat.

Congress agreed to a temporary lifting of the federal debt ceiling until December, saving Christmas.

A Federal judge temporarily blocked Texas’ controversial ban on abortions for fetuses older than six weeks. He issued his ruling from the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

Florida cops searching for fugitive Brian Laundrie say they’ve found a “fresh camping site” in the Carlton Reserve swamps. They found tanning spray and bleached blond hair with split ends, and determined the campsite was Dog The Bounty Hunter’s.

KISS frontman Paul Stanley told website Ultimate Classic Rock the exact date when the band is over – January 1st, 1993.

Bank of America raised its minimum wage for workers to $21/hour – so, thanks to ‘bankers hours’, workers can rake in up to $42/day.

A corporate executive was the only person on a 386-seat widebody aircraft flight from Abu Dhabi to Singapore on Etihad Airways. Unfortunately, his carry-on was deemed too big for the overhead compartment and he was forced to gate-check it.

Old Country Buffet was acquired by a restaurant holding company, who said they have no plans to revive it. They did say they planned to remove people from closed locations who still refused to leave until they brought out more fried shrimp.

Wednesday, October 6th marked the first anniversary of Eddie van Halen’s death, and the end of terrible year-long tribute guitar solos from tone-deaf hacks.

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A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

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Renovated Atlantic City casino/hotels Ocean and Hard Rock Hotel surprised tourists and residents by opening their doors a day early. Both were eager to welcome guests off the famously depressing boardwalk to come in and throw away their money.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the High Court effective July 31st.  Local Planned Parenthood offices announced their first-ever Going Out Of Business Sale this Labor Day.

Jet Blue passengers on a flight from New York to Los Angeles sat with their hands held high in their seats, as cops stormed the tarmac, after the pilot mistakenly punched in a transmission code for “hijacking”. Coincidentally, four 10-year-olds were taken off the plane as the error unwittingly foiled their attempt to take the plane to Disney World.

Scarlett Johansson denied a rumor that she was recruited by the Church of Scientology to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. However an unnamed source said she flunked the interview when she was asked to show emotion, and Johansson replied that she couldn’t.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control said that just 23% of U.S. adults are getting enough exercise. The CDC issued the findings during a press conference from their empty company gym.

  • Mississippi had the lowest reported percentage of exercise-conscious adults, 13.7%. Respondents in Mississippi said their number-one fitness activity is “running from snakes.”

38 North, a consultancy monitoring military activity in North Korea, said that they are not disarming nuclear missile facilities, but are rather fortifying the Yonbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center. North Korean officials dispute the report, saying the missiles were requested for July 4th Fireworks by President Trump.

Amazon is seeking prospective entrepreneurs with $10,000 to apply to start local package delivery businesses for Prime orders. If Amazon turns you down, they show you items You Might Be Interested In costing $10,000.

Chipotle is testing new menu items like quesadillas and tostadas, but their CEO said that it will take up to three years to roll out nationally. Although the test food is expected to roll out of diners in about three minutes, locally.

Retailer H&M said that it’s currently holding $4 billion in inventory of unsold clothing. The retailer is planning aggressive markdowns, and targeted marketing to moms and grandmoms who know how to make boys & girls look embarrassingly uncool when school starts.

LPGA golfer Stacy Lewis said that her primary sponsor, KPMG, will continue to pay her while she takes maternity leave from golf tournaments. She’s still negotiating her return to the tour with her caddy, who’s hesitant to wear a Baby Bjorn and carry a second bag for diapers.

 

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The personal data of 150 million users of My Fitness Pal was breached by hackers. “Oh no, I’d better stop exercising until this gets figured out!” said over 149 million users.

This week, Google Maps is letting users play ‘Where’s Waldo?’ in the app, leading to record app usage and record volume of 7-year-olds totalling the family car.

Tiger Woods and his ex-girlfriend Kristin Smith are reportedly in arbitration, with Smith asking to be released from a non-disclosure agreement she’d signed.

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Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.

 

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Ron Howard replaced LEGO Movie & 21 Jump Street helmers Phil Lord & Christopher Miller as director of the new Han Solo Movie. The movie follows the pre-Star Wars adventures of Solo and his Wookie, Potsie.

Donald Trump tweeted that he has no tapes of conversations with James Comey. Anymore.

A Manhattan bar is donating profits to Planned Parenthood. Now you can get drunk and donate to Planned Parenthood that same day, as opposed to getting drunk and supporting Planned Parenthood a month or so later.

Facebook is testing a new tool to prevent catfishing. The tool works by protecting downloads of profile photos, and by telling you that you have nothing to worry about if you’re not really hot.