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A couple ‘magnet fishing’ in Corona Park, Queens retrieved a metal safe containing $100,000 in waterlogged cash. A different couple ‘concrete block fishing’ in the East River caught multiple skeletons of Teamsters missing for decades.

President Biden issued an executive order shutting down the Mexican border once the count of illegal immigrants exceeds 2,500 per day. The Border Patrol is busy each morning installing delicatessen ticket rolls that go up to 2,499.

Thomas Manzo, ex-husband of Real Housewives of New Jersey Dina Manzo, was arrested for hiring a mobster to beat up her new boyfriend. Thomas Manzo was also sued for breach of contract by Bravo network for not letting them film it.

Hunter Biden is currently on trial for illegally purchasing a gun while using crack cocaine, a felony. His trial will be followed by a dozen defendants accused of selling guns while on a crack cocaine, a popular hobby in Wilmington, Delaware.

WNBA rookie Angel Reese of the Chicago Sky was ejected from the team’s loss to New York for back-to-back technical fouls. Reese, who earns $81,000/year, was assessed the league’s highest penalty – three games without makeup or false eyelashes.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft launched, sending two astronauts to the International Space Station. Boeing officials say the Starliner mission is going as planned, with the capsule door expected to blow off, dumping the astronnauts on to the ISS porch.

An oncologist said dying people’s four most common last phrases are “tell me you love me”; “I love you”; “forgive me”; and “I forgive you”…..followed by “turn up the tv”, among people who die more suddenly.

East Coast wildlife officials are warning of Joro spiders, venomous flying arachnids with 4-inch legs. They’ve been predicted to arrive in New York and New Jersey since 2022, but have had a tough time finding affordable housing.

A Philadelphia mother has gone viral for building a $29,000 ‘Cinderella castle’ for her daughter’s prom send-off. Her date’s father spent considerably less on his son’s prom send-off, $9 for a 3-pack of condoms.

The Marubo, a remote Brazilian tribe in the Amazon jungle was finally connected to the Internet thanks to Elon Musk’s Starlink service – but tribal leaders say many are now addicted to porn and social media. However, they don’t seem to mind the five-figure weekly checks for the Marubo Mamas OnlyFans.

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A new study links consumption of fried food to an increased risk of depression. The study followed 500 death row inmates ordering their last meal.

The U.S. Secret Service discovered cocaine in the White House, leading to a brief evacuation, and a brief visit from Hunter Biden.

Shark attacks at Long Island beaches prompted increased patrols. Lifeguards are asking amputees with prosthetic legs if they want to wade in the surf looking for sharks since they have less to lose.

Blueberries and green beans joined the USDA’s ‘Dirty Dozen’ list of nonorganic produce containing the most pesticides. They wanted to test produce for organic pesticide content, but it all rotted by the time they finished.

Riders on a Wisconsin roller coaster were stuck upside-down for over three hours after it malfunctioned. Everyone was taken to a hospital for evaluation and to wring the urine out of their shirts.

Former ‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack was released from a California prison after serving a portion of her three-year sentence for recruiting women to the NXIVM sex cult. She plans to stay in touch with others from her cell block in case she decides to get back in business.

Ben & Jerry’s official account stirred outrage with its July 4th social media post that the ‘U.S. exists on stolen Indigenous land’. A boycott is being organized by angry conservatives and people who don’t have the six bucks for a pint of ice cream.

A 69-year-old South Carolina woman walking her dog near a golf course lagoon was attacked and killed by an alligator. The alligator was captured, and the dog was praised for its quick thinking outrunning the woman.

One person died and nine more injured at a fireworks show in Michigan. Local 8-year-olds called the show “too short”.

Meta’s new app – a Twitter clone called Threads – is set to launch tomorrow. So get ready to check your posts after an hour to find they’ve gotten zero Likes in two different places.

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Las Vegas Police reportedly set up surveillance cameras at a home where residents reported a UFO and alien sightings. One resident said they were anally probed on the alien ship, leading two CSIs to quit instead of gathering evidence.

The popularity of weight-loss drug Ozempic is creaing a spike in emergency room visits from users suffering diarrhea, nausea & bloating. Because symptoms are so similar, hospitals are separating visitors in to an Ozempic line, and an Arby’s line.

Disney/Pixar’s Elemental posted the worst opening box office weekend for a Pixar film at just $29.6 million – even lower than their second-worst effort, Buzz & Woody’s Wedding.

Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston said he plans to honor existing commitments and retire from acting in 2026. He’ll seek advice on how to live without movie & tv roles from any one of the people serving him when he goes out to eat.

Spotify podcasting exec Bill Simmons called Prince Harry & Meghan Markle “f*cking grifters” after they ended a $20 million deal to produce content for the streaming service. A spokesperson for the couple corrected Simmons, saying technically they’re F*cking Archgrifters of Sussex.

A man who lost 360 pounds started a GoFundMe to pay for removal of his excess skin through a series of surgeries. He wants donors to feel like they have some skin in the game, so he’ll send them some of his.

Hunter Biden agreed to plead guilty to misdemeanor gun and tax evasion charges. “Well, that settles it, we can stop talking about this now” said Republicans.

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt paid $67.6 million at a Treasury Department auction for a 267-foot superyacht that was seized from a Russian oligarch at the start of the Ukraine war. Schmidt says he plans to redecorate it, but will keep the hookers & blow.

Russia accused the U.S. of planning to drop malaria-infested mosquitos on Russian troops invading Ukraine. The U.S. denied it, admitting they tested the idea, but most of the mosquitos quit during basic training.

Singer Bebe Rexha was struck in the face with a smartphone at a New York concert, giving her a black eye and a three-stitch cut. A 27-year-old male was charged with simple assault, and also charged $100 for a cracked iPhone screen.

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WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.