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Violence is plaguing Florida beaches during Spring Break. It’s so bad, entrants in wet t-shirt contests are soaked in blood.

Bianca Censori wore only see-through tights and a tube top to dinner with husband Kanye West at a Los Angeles area Cheesecake Factory. Everyone was able to get a good look because their wait for a table was 75 minutes.

Congress agreed to terms on a deal to fund the federal government through September, avoiding a shutdown. The bill provides money for the continued operation of Homeland Security, but omits $464 million requested by House Republicans to prevent fire sales at Mar a Lago and Trump Tower.

Consumer giant Unilever is spinning off its ice cream business, which includes Ben & Jerry’s, Breyers, & others. The move will result in a 6% reduction in the company’s workforce, although they’ll offer severance and outplacement for unemployed cows.

A antitrust settlement is expected to drastically lower commissions for U.S. realtors, who have historically shared 6% of a home’s sale price. Analysts project many realtors will leave the industry for new jobs, leading to a surge in Tupperware parties.

Viral video captured a Florida road rage incident where one trucker was seen firing a gun at another trucker. The shooter was arrested, and the big ol’ convoy broke up.

Actor Ewan McGregor said it was necessary to use an on-set “intimacy coordinator” during sex scenes he recently filmed with his wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead for a tv series. He added it’s just a coincidence that the coordinator was naked.

Tennis pro Arthur Cazaux fainted during the third set of his match in the Miami Open and was forced to forfeit to Harold Mayot. The heat & humidity were cited as a double fault.

The Bachelor Joey Graziadei asked female contestants at the ‘Women Tell All’ reunion episode if they received hate messages through social media. All of them said they had, most from jealous female viewers, and some from men angry their wives wouldn’t let them watch hockey and basketball games.

A Tennessee woman who ordered clothing from online discount retailer Shein received the clothes, along with a dented can of beans and a vial of human blood. Shein apologized, saying the blood & beans are only included with purchases by Shein Prime customers.

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Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

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President Trump returned from his tour of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, telling White House staff that it’s the biggest water hazard he’s ever seen.

Hurricane Harvey is estimated to be the costliest disaster in U.S. history, somehow surpassing the 2016 Presidential Election.

Ronda Rousey was married over the weekend to longtime boyfriend and fellow MMA fighter Travis Browne. Rousey was a total knockout in a Galia Lahav gown, a departure from getting knocked out in a sports bra and tight shorts.

  • Rousey’s next scheduled bout is ‘not tonight I have concussion symptoms from my last two fights’.

DeVry University was ordered to pay its students $49 Million in penalties for misleading advertisements. The judge ordered DeVry to just add it to their alumni’s Burger King paychecks.

A construction project near Denver unearthed the 66 million year-old fossilized skeleton of a triceratops. The triceratops claimed seniority and assumed its new role as project foreman.

A 1000-person study commissioned by Baskin Robbins claims that the way you eat ice cream can accurately predict your personality. Those eating from a cone are optimists, those who eat from a bowl are more conservative, and those who skip eating at Baskin Robbins are more confident about living longer.

Tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s Broadway debut, Springsteen on Broadway, went on sale Wednesday, with scalpers immediately commanding up to $6,000 a ticket, leading budget-conscious theatre-goers to opt for $1,000 Hamilton tickets instead.

Producers of ‘It’, the new movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel featuring a terrifying clown, ‘Pennywise’, dismiss complaints from the World Clown Association that the movie is hurting business for real life clowns, telling them to ‘just look at the White House’.

Uber’s new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, will finally meet his staff today; he’s expected to outline his vision for the company, turn up the air conditioning and change the radio station.