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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

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A Michigan man is charged with placing pipe bombs at cell phone stores because he was angry about the spread of cursing and pornography. He was apprehended on the way to getting his Macbook repaired at the Genius Bar.

The search for Brian Laundrie continues in Florida, with dive teams searching underwater in swamps. Police have not named Laundrie a suspect in the death of his fiance Gabby Petito, but rather a Person-Probably-Eaten-By-Alligators Of Interest.

A Philadelphia woman grew impatient at a Chipotle restaurant, drawing a gun and saying “somebody better get me my food”. Terrified employees forgot to charge her “a little more” for guacamole.

A Subway sandwich shop franchisee and executive is accused of cheating 3,000 employees out of $38 million in wages and benefits, and of cheating an untold number of customers out of a decent lunch.

Subway’s August sales were their biggest in 8 years, following an overhaul to their menu. “Wow! I can’t wait to try it in 8 years!” said Jared Fogle.

Betty Reid Soskin, a National Park Service Ranger in Richmond, California, turned 100. She celebrated the milestone with her 100-year-old life partner, Smokey The Bear.

Extreme weather conditions are leading to 16-foot waves on the Southwest shores of Lake Michigan, depositing up to three times as many dead gangsters on the Chicago lakefront.

Microsoft will introduce the Surface Laptop Studio, a $1,599 tablet/laptop hybrid that it codenamed ‘The Frankenstein’ during development. They called it Frankenstein because it’s powered by old Zune music players and Microsoft Fit Bands.

Citing a bus driver shortage, Camden, New Jersey is offering parents $1,000 to drive their own kids to school. Since it’s Camden, parents can choose to receive their payment in cash, ammunition, or drugs.

B.B. King’s estate is angry over a biographer’s claim that B.B.’s 15 children with 15 different women can’t possibly be his, because he was left sterile from a boyhood accident. That, and B.B.’s unreleased single ‘Low Sperm Count Blues’.

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Facebook rolled out a ‘Watch Party’ feature so friends can watch the same video together at the same time. “Oh my GOD your standup is SO funny!” said a Facebook friend seconds before closing the window and not realizing everyone else can see they’ve left. 

Walmart requested a refund of its campaign contribution to Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith after her controversial comments about public hangings and photos wearing confederate soldier gear. Hyde-Smith said she couldn’t return the cash but would give credit for future bribes. 

The CDC ordered that all romaine lettuce be disposed of due to an E. coli threat. “So, just the lettuce, or the pork and beef too?” asked a manager at Chipotle. 

A bipartisan group of U.S. senators is demanding President Trump share his belief over Saudi Crown Prince bin Salman ordering the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Which is fine, until you recall Trump believes he’s an A+ president and climate change isn’t real. 

Gordon Nobriga, a former flight attendant, received five years probation for video recording men and boys in public restrooms at an Arizona Walmart. The secret recording had gone undetected until Nobriga entered the restroom to get his phone, collect victims trash and point to the exit. 

A Bethlehem, Pennsylvania mom faces criminal charges after driving two miles with her 12-year-old son on the hood of her car when the boy refused to go to the dentist. They arrived at the dentist, who removed bugs from the boy’s teeth. 

Tumblr was pulled from the Apple iOS app store after child pornography was found on the service. “Oh, right, I had a Tumblr” said Jared Fogle from prison. 

A Milwaukee bus driver is being praised for allowing a homeless man to stay on her bus during her shift, then helping to find the man housing. The homeless man is grateful, but disappointed because he thought the bus was going to Phoenix. 

Amazon informed customers that a “technical error” resulted in the exposure of their name and email address. Customers with a ‘Dash button’ for adult diapers are on pins & needles hoping that’s all they got. 

The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Map service said that smoke from the California wildfires is visible in New York & New Jersey. The smoke is being cited in weak excuses by NY & NJ teenagers sparking up in the backyard when their parents ask ‘what’s that weird smell’?