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Two climbers stranded on a steep cliff in British Columbia were rescued when nearby Sikh men made a lifeline for them out of their turbans and jackets. Everything worked out fine, but the men said, at first, they were worried Sikh.

A Sonoma County, California homeowner discovered a ‘rookery’ beneath his home – a gathering of rattlesnakes giving birth. He called a reptile rescue to have over 90 rattlesnakes removed, because none of them had health insurance.

Flash flooding and water rescues are underway in New Jersey as a nor’easter dropped 2 to 6 inches of rain on the state. 911 dispatchers received a record number of “hey, I’m drownin’ heeya” calls.

A hiker lost on Mount Elbert – Colorado’s highest peak – hindered rescue efforts due to his declining calls from searchers because he didn’t recognize their phone number. He also frustrated two different Grubhub drivers trying to deliver pizzas he ordered.

A cyclist in Alaska survived an attack from a 500-pound brown bear by repeatedly kicking the animal, then he watched in amazement as the bear stole his bike and rode away on it.

Police surveilling now-deceased fugitive Brian Laundrie thought he had returned to his parents home as they staked it out, but it was his mother. In their defense, she had shaved her head and choked her stylist following a bad haircut.

A TikTok ‘star’ with over 900,000 followers is accused of murdering his estranged wife and another man. His phone call to a lawyer currently has half a million views.

SpaceX is a ‘go’ to launch astronauts to the International Space Station on Halloween. They decided to go with astronauts since they couldn’t find any washed-up sci-fi TV actors in time.

Viral video shows a swimmer in Campo Grande, Brazil being pursued by an alligator, who bites his torso before freeing him and swimming away. The alligator is heard yelling at the man that this is a “locals only” spot.

Keanu Reeves gifted engraved Rolex watches to four stuntmen after they completed filming of ‘John Wick 4’. Onc of the watches was swiped and Reeves spent two hours tracking the thief down and shooting him and about 75 other people.

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Officials confirmed the human remains found in a Florida nature preserve are those of fugitive Brian Laundrie. Dog The Bounty Hunter is now officially out of excuses for not writing thank-you cards for gifts from his recent wedding.

Donald Trump’s TRUTH Social was immediately hacked after launch, with Trump’s own account depicting a pig defecating on its own scrotum. TRUTH Social execs disputed this, saying the picture was of Melania’s pet from her youth in Slovenia.

A 106-year-old woman in Pennsylvania, who credits her long life to a one-Yuengling Lager-a-day routine, received a special gift from the brewery. It’s a Lifetime Supply of beer, which in her case is a 12-pack.

A Tufts University women’s lacrosse player died from choking during a hot dog eating contest for charity. Other contestants tried, and failed, to save her using the Oscar-Mayer Maneuver.

Lauren Witzke, a losing Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware who opposes vaccines and embraces QAnon theories, contracted COVID-19. Witzke says she has “lost her joy” – and by “joy” she means “lung function”.

Afghan news professionals predict a bleak future for their trade under Taliban rule, citing a recent episode of top-rated ‘Good Morning Kabul’ that was just three hours of hand-chopping videos.

Pfizer’s COVID vaccine is 90% effective in children ages 5-to-12. The other 10% are kids that ran and haven’t been caught.

Queen Elizabeth II spent the night in a hospital for “preliminary investigations”. She was sent back home the next day after doctors determined the stick up her ass hadn’t shifted.

Tesla owners are concerned about the Biden Administration possibly regulating Autopilot. The Administration counters that Autopilot oversight is needed because of climate change – Teslas on Autopilot are killng too many trees by crashing into them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz failed to pay his bar dues and can no longer practice law in Florida. Gaetz did, however, pay the bar bills for multiple 16-and-17-year-old girls.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

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Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.

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Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.

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Police revealed that fugitive Brian Laundrie had been under surveillance since he returned to Florida after the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito. They also revealed that it wasn’t exactly great surveillance.

18 former NBA players are charged in a $4 million health care fraud scheme. They deny the charges, but will likely take plea deals because none of them really want to play defense.

The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC accumulated $70 million in losses during Donald Trump’s four years as President – $10 million in operating losses, and $60 million in visiting dignitaries stealing towels.

California made ‘stealthing’ – removing a condom without verbal consent during intercourse – illegal. The verbal consent clause is a compromise from the original bill, which required both parties to sign the condom.

A judge sentenced an Illinois woman to four days in jail for coming too close to a grizzly bear and her cubs while taking photos in Yellowstone National Park. The bear also was granted the first-ever restraining order against a human in park history.

A California criminology professor was arrested and charged with arson for starting the state’s Cal Fire. The professor said he was running out of things to talk about in class.

Fox News turned 25 on Thursday, a milestone commemorated with a new special: “Fox News’ 50th Anniversary‘.

Despite the harmful effects to the environment, China has ordered increased production of coal, claiming there’s an energy shortage, and a record number of Chinese kids on Santa’s naughty list.

Researchers in Japan successfully tested a vaccination strategy in mice that could prevent not just COVID-19 but other coronavirus strains. The key to making it work in humans is finding a way to get them to eat the cheese or peanut butter.

A Waffle House employee at the center of a viral video controversy – she’s holding a baby while working in the kitchen – defended herself, saying she had no choice but to take the baby, her niece, to work. Critics say the problem isn’t the baby being there, it’s that the baby is smoking in a food prep area.

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Longtime Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth announced his retirement from music – joining his vocal cords, which retired 25 years ago.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver and vocal anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley cut his signature long blonde hair, saying he was donating it to teenagers who go bald from the COVID vaccine.

John Mellencamp said in an interview that Bruce Springsteen is “like a big brother.” “John who?” asked Springsteen.

Hospital statistics in the New England area reveal 3,268 babies named ‘Brady’ during the Tom Brady era with the Patriots…and one very unhappy baby named ‘Belichick’.

Authorities are trying to explain their difficulty in locating Brian Laundrie. They say one of the biggest reasons is that alligators don’t vomit too often.

The charred remains of a 3-bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home destroyed by fire in Melrose, Massachusetts sold for $399,000. According to the Zillow listing, the house has “good bones” – of the people who lived there.

Play was suspended in the National Women’s Soccer League as the Commissioner resigned, and two head coaches were fired amidst accusations of sexual harassment. Players called it a necessary kick in the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter said his ‘tip line’ for leads in the search for Brian Laundrie has gotten “thousands” of calls, but that his cassette-tape answering machine filled up after the first five.

Peloton introduced its new treadmill, after recalling the old one for injuries to children caught under it. Peloton saidchildren are safe around the new treadmill, but can’t promise anything for kittens and small dogs.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen appeared on ‘60 Minutes‘, saying the social media giant prioritized profit over user safety and information integrity – claims that Facebook executives dismissed as “about right”.

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Following a wild shooting outside a Wawa convenience store, Philadelphia police needed to use coffee cups from the store to mark all of the bullet casings. They intended to mark the casings with donuts, but they disappeared.

Philadelphia also surpassed 400 homicides in 2021. Mayor Jim Kenney said he’s “outraged and heartbroken”, but plans to slow things down by mandating vaccines, masks, and kevlar vests.

The Rolling Stones paid tribute to deceased drummer Charlie Watts as their tour kicked off in St. Louis, as they posted large photos of Watts on video screens, alongside a video of band members splitting a pile of cash three ways instead of four.

A home drone delivery service in Canberra, Australia shut down because ravens kept attacking the drones. The ravens are angry that the drones are flying too close to their nests, and doubly-angry that none of the parcels contain worms.

A viral video shows a woman with a portable mic & speaker walking the aisle of a Spirit Airlines flight, performing songs from her “mixtape”. She dedicated her performance in celebration of her 3rd anniversary as a Spirit Airlines flight attendant.

Dog The Bounty Hunter announced he’s joining the search for Brian Laundrie, who’s wanted in the death of Gabby Petito. Dog will focus his search on the Appalachian Trail, where there are more tv cameras than the Florida swamps.

Cheryl Burke, professional dancer on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, will not appear for several weeks because she’s positive for COVID-19. ABC execs arranged a hastily-produced limited-run spinoff, Ventilating With the Stars.

Facebook is reportedly pausing development of an Instagram app for children, owing to heightened criticism of influencer culture, and concern that they’re not getting high enough adoption of the app from hot-looking kids.

Nestle recalled 14 tons of DiGiorno frozen pizzas for containing an ‘undeclared ingredient’, soy protein – after mouse droppings on the pizza tested positive for soy protein.

Carjacking cases are skyrocketing in New York and other cities. It’s so bad, carjackers created an app so they can carpool.

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The Taliban said they’ll reinstitute barbaric punishments for crimes, such as cutting off hands of convicted thieves. However, they said they’ll keep the hands on ice in case the defendants win their appeal.

Arizona’s election audit by controversial pro-Trump consultants Cyber Ninjas confirmed Joe Biden won the state by an even larger margin than originally counted. It also confirmed that they’re the only Ninjas that conspicuously draw attention to themselves.

A Florida high school janitor was sentenced to prison for recording students in the girls bathroom using a cell phone hidden in a handicapped stall. Two dozen girls await trial for making a handicapped girl wait to use the stall.

Singer Billie Eilish said she lost 100,000 Instagram followers after posting a photo “because they don’t like big boobs”. Her totals were quickly restored thanks to the rallying efforts of Instagram creeps.

A flight attendant posted a photo of a man she thinks may be fugitive Brian Laundrie, acting “flustered” as he exited a Toronto, Canada hotel. The photo was reviewed by forensics experts, who determined it was just some other balding weirdo.

RAVE Reviews, a product review platform, said new research names KFC as The Most Hated Fast-Food Restaurant in 14 countries, including diverse locations like Singapore, Turkey, New Zealand & France. KFC execs said they’re looking forward to expanding to Afghanistan and Haiti.

Costco is placing purchase limits on toilet paper, restricting members to just three 100-roll packs per visit.

Delta Airlines wants other carriers to share their no-fly lists of unruly passengers in order to keep them from causing disturbances. Spirit Airlines wants the list to offer them membership in their Platinum Club.

Microsoft is allowing some users early access to Windows 11, so they can experience what it’s like to have their computers bricked by the latest operating system.

Apple’s iPhone 13 is now available. Government forecasters estimate a 5% loss in global productivity as coworkers make the mistake of asking “Is that the new iPhone?”

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A Michigan man is charged with placing pipe bombs at cell phone stores because he was angry about the spread of cursing and pornography. He was apprehended on the way to getting his Macbook repaired at the Genius Bar.

The search for Brian Laundrie continues in Florida, with dive teams searching underwater in swamps. Police have not named Laundrie a suspect in the death of his fiance Gabby Petito, but rather a Person-Probably-Eaten-By-Alligators Of Interest.

A Philadelphia woman grew impatient at a Chipotle restaurant, drawing a gun and saying “somebody better get me my food”. Terrified employees forgot to charge her “a little more” for guacamole.

A Subway sandwich shop franchisee and executive is accused of cheating 3,000 employees out of $38 million in wages and benefits, and of cheating an untold number of customers out of a decent lunch.

Subway’s August sales were their biggest in 8 years, following an overhaul to their menu. “Wow! I can’t wait to try it in 8 years!” said Jared Fogle.

Betty Reid Soskin, a National Park Service Ranger in Richmond, California, turned 100. She celebrated the milestone with her 100-year-old life partner, Smokey The Bear.

Extreme weather conditions are leading to 16-foot waves on the Southwest shores of Lake Michigan, depositing up to three times as many dead gangsters on the Chicago lakefront.

Microsoft will introduce the Surface Laptop Studio, a $1,599 tablet/laptop hybrid that it codenamed ‘The Frankenstein’ during development. They called it Frankenstein because it’s powered by old Zune music players and Microsoft Fit Bands.

Citing a bus driver shortage, Camden, New Jersey is offering parents $1,000 to drive their own kids to school. Since it’s Camden, parents can choose to receive their payment in cash, ammunition, or drugs.

B.B. King’s estate is angry over a biographer’s claim that B.B.’s 15 children with 15 different women can’t possibly be his, because he was left sterile from a boyhood accident. That, and B.B.’s unreleased single ‘Low Sperm Count Blues’.