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Describing the lesbian sex scene she choreographed in a new film ‘Ammonite’, Kate Winslet said “it’s not like eating a sandwich” – to the disappointment of straight men practicing foreplay wolfing hoagies at Jersey Mike’s.

Diva actress Lea Michele shared the first photo of her new baby, as the infant belittled other babies in the hospital nursery.

Amazon introduced the Halo, a new wearable fitness tracker. You can opt for the basic health data package or upgrade to Amazon Halo Prime, which shows movies of you naked to help you lose weight.

Firefighters battling wildfires in California’s Marin County are assisted by a 2-year-old golden retriever, Kerith, a crisis response therapy animal. Kerith was almost fired, however, for eating the inventory at chicken barbecue fundraisers.

Microsoft introduced its new foldable smartphone, the Surface Duo. It goes on sale in September for $1,399, then less when they decide to leave the smartphone market again in October.

Mike Pence promised a COVID-19 vaccine by year’s end. Asked if he’ll get one, he said Mother told him “we’ll see”.

Katy Perry gave birth to a baby girl, Daisy Dove Bloom. It’s her first child, and third DD.

Macaulay Culkin turned 40, according to the affidavit filed for his testimony at the Wet Bandits parole hearing.

Snoop Dogg is introducing his first-ever wine, Snoop’s Cali Red. It costs $12/bottle, and he recommends pairing it with a different wine that costs $3/bottle.

Delta is adding in-flight hand-sanitizing stations, which passengers can use after their in-flight fistfights over wearing masks.

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Officials in Delaware report more cases of Vibrio vulnificus – a flesh-eating bacteria infecting those with open cuts swimming or wading at beaches. Officials say the problem is biggest in Delaware because bacteria there like to eat when they’re bored.

Nintendo will launch its newest mobile phone & tablet game, Dr. Mario World, on July 10th. They say revenue will come from in-game purchases and that, like many others, Dr. Mario will not accept new patients with Obamacare.

Federal agents seized 16 tons of cocaine at a shipping port in Philadelphia. There was so much, they asked Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to help move it – resulting in all evidence being lost or destroyed. C

The latest dating trend is “cookie jarring” – keeping a non-serious backup romance in a ‘cookie jar’ as a fallback while you pursue a first choice. Women especially dislike being kept in the cookie jar – while men are fine with it, provided the cookies come with sex.

Retired baseball star & convicted felon Lenny Dykstra was dumpster diving outside a Jersey Mike’s sub shop because he left his dentures in a napkin that the restaurant threw out. He was joined by other Jersey Mike’s customers looking for their lost self-respect.

Google announced a commitment to invest $1 billion in Bay Area, California to help build 15,000 new homes for low-to-medium income residents – so, anyone who only makes a half-million dollars a year.

Viral video captured the moment a flight attendant was slammed into the ceiling of a jet during severe turbulence en route from Kosovo to Switzerland. The flight attendant is said to be okay, while the passenger shooting the video still wants his damn Diet Coke.

Coca-Cola is holding a contest for the public to come up with its next flavor. The early frontrunner is Original Cocaine flavor, because they already have the recipe.

Brett Favre was trending on Twitter as rumors circulated about his coming out of retirement. He said he’s staying retired, but wanted everyone to know that he came up with the whole ‘show your penis to massage therapists’ thing long before Robert Kraft.

MTV announced the cancellation after one season of “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club”, and that the Mykonos, Greece nightclub location for the show is closed. VH1 announced the premiere date for their new show, “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Is Closed”.

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A couple in Mongolia contracted bubonic plague and died after eating marmot meat, leading to a six-day quarantine of 116 people who were also with the couple at the grand opening of Mongolia’s first Jersey Mike’s.

President Trump asserted executive privilege over the unredacted Mueller Report to prevent its release to Congress, offering instead to lend them other 400-page books that he’ll never read.

Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex, released the first photo of their newborn son, for now answering the question on many people’s mind: “How black is he?”.

A Florida man was arrested for refusing to remove a window sticker from his car reading “I Eat Ass”. Police did not require him to remove the Post-It notes with phone numbers stuck on his car by other Florida men & women.

An Orthodox Jewish couple flying Spirit Airlines from New York to Florida filed a lawsuit, claiming discrimination and insults from crew because of their faith. Spirit Airlines said singling out Jews violates their policy, which calls for treating all passengers like garbage.

Archaeologists in the Bolivian Andes discovered a 1,000-year-old “ritual bundle” – containing five different psychoactive substances including cocaine and ayahuasca. They also discovered cash and a poster for a weekend-long jam band festival.

A new survey claims that 76% of craft beer drinkers are not influenced by price when it comes to purchasing craft beer – but that 100% women are influenced to walk away when they start talking about their favorite craft beers.

A new tariff threatens to increase the price of fresh tomatoes from Mexico by 40 to 85%, as Italian families brace for Sunday dinners with grandma bitching about how much the gravy cost.

PGA golfer John Daly, suffering from diabetes and dizzy spells, has been granted permission to use a golf cart instead of walking during this weekend’s PGA Championship. He can drive it, but only after he blows into a breathalyzer.

A doorbell camera on a home in Lawton Oklahoma captured a non-venomous snake dropping from a porch light and biting a visitor. The snake then swallowed an Amazon delivery box whole and slithered off with it.