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Michael Kors acquired Jimmy Choo for $1.2 billion cash, making women everywhere happy that someone is blowing more money on shoes than they are.

North Korea abruptly cancelled its annual Beer Festival. Worse,  the Anheuser Busch Brand Ambassadors who had already arrived with ‘America’ cans of Budweiser are missing.

Gardner, Maine has enacted a policy where citizens that collect a full bag of trash can trade the bag for free marijuana – giving new meaning to “garbage weed”.

  • For now the town is cleaner than ever, but officials are worried that stoners may litter the town overnight to make work for free pot.

Donald Trump used Twitter to insult Attorney General Jeff Sessions, calling him “beleaguered” and “weak” for his failure to investigate Hillary Clinton. Sessions thinks he’s doing a great job, since he hasn’t used his verified Twitter account in 3 years.

As he was blasting Sessions, Trump addressed the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and read aloud the Boy Scout Oath, pausing at ‘loyalty’ to say “we could use more loyalty”.  The scouts presented Trump with an official jackknife and a Backstabbing merit badge.

John McCain returned to the Senate just a week after brain surgery to cast his vote for a Motion To Proceed on healthcare, and addressed the Senate after the vote. He slammed the Senate for partisan stalemates and urged a more unified bipartisan approach to governance. The speech was well-received, and proved the American people were right by thinking every U.S. Senator should have their head examined.

President Trump spoke to the press after the vote, calling the 51-50 vote passage of the procedural Motion to Proceed “the hard part to get”, despite the bill not yet being debated or amended for passage. Which is like calling the flight to Hawaii “the hard part” of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

Trump opened a different Monday speech saying that Obamacare has been “wreaking havoc for 17 years” despite being passed in 2010. Trump corrected himself, saying he didn’t mean Obamacare, he meant Y2K.

Bush’s Baked Beans recalled some of its hickory smoked beans for damaged cans, while continuing to let their other varieties damage consumers’ cans, and clothing, and furniture.

  • A spokesman said that eating the recalled beans should not create any side effects other than “the usual”.

Microsoft squelched rumors that it was discontinuing Microsoft Paint after 32 years, saying it would continue to support the app. This relieved loyalists; Paint has over 100 million monthly users, and is the world’s #1 app for drawing penises on JPEGs.

A Buddhist temple in Myanmar sunk amidst torrential rains. “We know it’s wrong to want material things, but that sucked.” said Buddhists.

Justin Bieber’s China concerts were cancelled by the country’s Minister of Culture, due to the artist’s “bad behavior”. Asked to specify which bad behavior, the Minister said “mostly singing.”

Jared Kushner testified to the Senate about his involvement with Russians during the Trump 2016 Presidential campaign. Afterward he addressed the press, saying that his request to create secret communications channels with the Russians after the election served as proof that he didn’t have them before. Which is like taking a side piece after your wedding and saying it proved what a great guy you were before you got married.

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.