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TikTok removed 7 million accounts of underage users. “TikTok sucks” said pedophiles.

A boy was bitten by a shark at a Boy Scout camp near Catalina Island, California. The boy is recovering, and the shark received its Biting Children merit badge.

Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg was indicted on tax evasion charges. As evidence, the New York District Attorney submitted Weisselberg’s resume, where in the Skills section he listed Tax Evasion.

Joe Biden is expected is to meet with rescue teams at the fallen Champlain Towers condo building in Miami, then he’ll meet with EMTs to fix whatever happens to him as he walks across the rubble.

China’s President Xi Jinping said that those who attempt to bully China will face “broken heads and bloodshed” – in what’s being called “the weirdest anti-bullying speech ever”.

Conservative commenter Meghan McCain is leaving ‘The View’. ABC executives reportedly begged her to stay, saying their effort to find another entitled conservative blowhard could be as difficult as asking for Ivanka Trump’s phone number.

85 children and staffers contracted COVID-19 at a summer camp that didn’t require masks or check vaccine status. Officials indefinitely postponed Color War at Camp Delta Variant.

TikTok is expanding video length to three minutes. Now you can watch baby boomers cringeworthy videos, then see them take two minutes figuring out how to end it.

Bill Cosby was released from prison due to a legal technicality. Cosby’s lawyers then spent the rest of the day fielding 50 calls from Harvey Weinstein.

The Los Angeles Police Bomb Squad detonated 5,000 pounds of illegal fireworks in a so-called “containment truck”, which blew up the truck. Now they have to find a new truck to blow up in the July 4th parade.

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The Savannah Morning News published a photo of what’s been described as a “Loch Ness Monster type creature” lying on a Georgia beach. The next day, the creature was spotted at J.C. Penney saying the swimsuit didn’t work out.

The father of a teen boy with Down Syndrome is suing the Boy Scouts for stripping his son of merit badges and cancelling his Eagle Scout project. On the bright side, his friends think he’s a lot cooler now.

A peer-reviewed medical study concluded that Apple Watch can accurately detect abnormal heart rhythms – leading researchers to predict you’ll be hearing a lot more of “hey, I think that douchebag with the Apple Watch might be having a heart attack.”

Starbucks announced that they’ve achieved gender pay equity in the United States, right after they gave Jean’s paycheck to Gene and no one got pissed off.

A male birth control pill may be on the horizon. A preliminary study of 83 men ages 18 to 50 appears to confirm the pill’s efficacy, achieved by lowering testosterone, and by actually being Ambien.

Arthur Jones, a Holocaust denier and head of his own ‘America First Committee’, is the Republican nominee for Illinois’ 3rd District in the House of Representatives. Illinois’ Republican Party Chairman said that they won’t endorse Jones – at least until they know where he stands on universal health care.

In other Illinois political news, Democratic challenger for U.S. House 5th District Benjamin Wolf  lost his race to incumbent Mike Quigley. Wolf placed an ad on Pornhub showing him smoking pot. Following the results, he phoned Quigley to say “whatever dude” then hung up to watch a gangbang.

Two women entrepreneurs are launching CherryPicks, a film review site that will only publish content from female critics. Filmmakers aren’t worried about gender bias, since most of the women won’t even go watch the movies unless the right friend asks them to.

A 6-year-old Oregon girl digging in the dirt at her sister’s soccer game unearthed a 65-million-year-old fossil, but considered the day a bust since her cheap parents didn’t stop after the game for ice cream.

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A YouGov/Omnibus study reveals that 53% of Millennial women have received a naked photo from a man. The other 47% hadn’t checked their text messages that day. [h/t to J. Ost]

Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ll admit girls. Young women who choose to join Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will henceforth be known as Bi Scouts.

Raging California wildfires are burning large marijuana crops. The fires are expected to cause shortages of recreational marijuana, and police are dealing with record invasions of Taco Bell from ravenously hungry rabbits and deer.

President Trump tweeted that relief efforts for Puerto Rico can’t go on forever; adding that nothing is forever, just ask Ivana and Marla.

Pornhub told TechCrunch it’s utilizing a robot to document performers, sex positions and categories of its content.  Pornhub says that the robot’s work is incredibly accurate, but it has a hard time talking to its female coworkers.

Technology company Purpose has developed a new chatbot called ‘Hope’. The bot is targeted to those who need help coping with their concerns about Donald Trump. Hope will reply to you with tips to speak to conservative friends, ways to contact elected officials, and liquor coupons.

Rose McGowan’s Twitter account has been suspended for digital harassment, different from digital harassment employed by Harvey Weinstein.

 

Australian doctors removed a woman’s lymph node, which became cancerous with ink that migrated from a tattoo she’d received 15 years earlier. She’s expected to make a full recovery, and Air Supply has generously paid to touch-up the tatt.

An asteroid that size of a house will zoom past Earth on Thursday at a distance of about 26,000 miles, according to NASA. The asteroid is exploring a run for U.S. President in 2020.

An essay on how to treat women in the workplace is going viral. Victoria Clark writes on Medium that men should treat women the same way they would treat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Some women oppose The Rock Test, saying male coworkers are asking them to pose topless and flex; and confused men say they don’t have $10 million to give their female coworkers to make terrible movies.

 

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.

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Michael Kors acquired Jimmy Choo for $1.2 billion cash, making women everywhere happy that someone is blowing more money on shoes than they are.

North Korea abruptly cancelled its annual Beer Festival. Worse,  the Anheuser Busch Brand Ambassadors who had already arrived with ‘America’ cans of Budweiser are missing.

Gardner, Maine has enacted a policy where citizens that collect a full bag of trash can trade the bag for free marijuana – giving new meaning to “garbage weed”.

  • For now the town is cleaner than ever, but officials are worried that stoners may litter the town overnight to make work for free pot.

Donald Trump used Twitter to insult Attorney General Jeff Sessions, calling him “beleaguered” and “weak” for his failure to investigate Hillary Clinton. Sessions thinks he’s doing a great job, since he hasn’t used his verified Twitter account in 3 years.

As he was blasting Sessions, Trump addressed the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and read aloud the Boy Scout Oath, pausing at ‘loyalty’ to say “we could use more loyalty”.  The scouts presented Trump with an official jackknife and a Backstabbing merit badge.

John McCain returned to the Senate just a week after brain surgery to cast his vote for a Motion To Proceed on healthcare, and addressed the Senate after the vote. He slammed the Senate for partisan stalemates and urged a more unified bipartisan approach to governance. The speech was well-received, and proved the American people were right by thinking every U.S. Senator should have their head examined.

President Trump spoke to the press after the vote, calling the 51-50 vote passage of the procedural Motion to Proceed “the hard part to get”, despite the bill not yet being debated or amended for passage. Which is like calling the flight to Hawaii “the hard part” of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

Trump opened a different Monday speech saying that Obamacare has been “wreaking havoc for 17 years” despite being passed in 2010. Trump corrected himself, saying he didn’t mean Obamacare, he meant Y2K.

Bush’s Baked Beans recalled some of its hickory smoked beans for damaged cans, while continuing to let their other varieties damage consumers’ cans, and clothing, and furniture.

  • A spokesman said that eating the recalled beans should not create any side effects other than “the usual”.

Microsoft squelched rumors that it was discontinuing Microsoft Paint after 32 years, saying it would continue to support the app. This relieved loyalists; Paint has over 100 million monthly users, and is the world’s #1 app for drawing penises on JPEGs.

A Buddhist temple in Myanmar sunk amidst torrential rains. “We know it’s wrong to want material things, but that sucked.” said Buddhists.

Justin Bieber’s China concerts were cancelled by the country’s Minister of Culture, due to the artist’s “bad behavior”. Asked to specify which bad behavior, the Minister said “mostly singing.”

Jared Kushner testified to the Senate about his involvement with Russians during the Trump 2016 Presidential campaign. Afterward he addressed the press, saying that his request to create secret communications channels with the Russians after the election served as proof that he didn’t have them before. Which is like taking a side piece after your wedding and saying it proved what a great guy you were before you got married.