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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.

 

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Former NFL QB Johnny Manziel said he’s planning a comeback. Manziel said that he’s been on medication to treat bipolar disorder, which he hopes will give him the mental focus he needs to land an NFL roster spot and contract CTE.

President Trump is set to unveil his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan – undocumented immigrants resealing the parking lots and cart paths at all of his golf courses and hotels.

Journalists at the Winter Olympics are abuzz over the ‘Bullet Man’ statues outside the press Olympic Village. The three statues are of nude men wearing smooth helmets obscuring their faces while they stand at attention. Vice President Mike Pence refused to look at the statues and ordered them into conversion therapy.

Southwest Airlines cancelled all 220 of its flights from Chicago Midway Airport on Sunday due to a shortage of de-icing fluid. A spokesperson said that due to the scary weather, nervous flyers drank it all.

Delta Airlines previewed its new crew uniforms from designer Zac Posen. Posen worked as a flight attendant and gate agent to ensure that the clothing remained comfortable while workers verbally abuse passengers and drag them off of aircraft.

Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits were unveiled at the Smithsonian. “Where are the solid gold lions?” asked an anonymous White House critic.

McDonald’s is ending its partnership with the International Olympic Committee and will no longer create Olympic-themed ads and promotions. McDonald’s and the IOC both cited the large expense of Olympic sponsorship, but declined comment about athletes’ accusations of unwelcome contact during past Olympics by Grimace.

Katie Couric angered Dutch Olympic fans by falsely claiming that Dutch dominance in speed skating is a result of residents skating on frozen canals to get around Amsterdam. She then angered Norwegians by claiming most businesspeople in Norway commute to work by ski jumping.

Tinder announced that they’re rolling out a new set of location-based features later this year. Speculation is that Tinder plans to move beyond being a hookup site and focus on being more of a social network, in order to expand in to the lucrative stalking and bullying markets.

For the third time in three weeks, a man has been reported masturbating in the New York City subway – highlighting the dangerous underreporting of men masturbating in the New York City subway.