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Google Maps announced Incognito Mode, allowing users to get directions without having a record saved of their location. “Finally!” said murderers.

Instagram launched Threads, a close-friends chat app. So now you can be even more sad when close friends ignore your pics.

Tesla delivered a company-record 97,000 electric vehicles in the third quarter. The stock price still fell 6% when Elon Musk said “that’s the last of the 2016s!!”.

According to experts, a small child is sent to the emergency room once every two hours after coming in contact with beauty products. The kids are sick, but look and smell great.

Mario Kart Tour is Nintendo’s biggest mobile game launch to date, with over 90 million downloads. It’s so popular, people in real cars are driving while driving.

Donald Trump told a crowd in Florida he thinks there should be a media outlet run by the government. He’s thinking of launching it with morning show ‘Stephen Miller & Friends’, but they can’t find any of his friends.

Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano categorized Trump’s actions on the infamous phone call with the Ukraine “criminal and impeachable”. He followed that up by asking “is anyone hiring?”.

McDonald’s announced McRib will be returning to over 10,000 U.S. restaurants next week, replacing vaping as the new Number One U.S. health crisis.

Wednesday was National “Coffee With a Cop” day.  Thousands of meetings were scheduled between local community organizers and police, then cancelled when nobody brought donuts.

FBI and Homeland Security officials are warning about online threats posted encouraging shootings to coincide with the premiere of ‘Joker’.  However, they’re still unable to figure out threats posted to coincide with the premiere of ‘Riddler’.

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.