By |

Atlantic City announced an expansion to its multi-million-dollar surveillance camera system. The cameras are used in high-activity areas to monitor crime, and also to take & sell souvenir photos with a real Atlantic City prostitute.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he doesn’t think Americans should expect a vaccine mandate for air travel, but he does recommend travelers continue to wear masks, and learn to throw a punch for the occasional mid-flight brawl.

After a first time capsule from 1887 was unearthed beneath a Robert E. Lee statue in Richmond, a second time capsule was found. The first one contained books & letters, the second one contained the world’s oldest Starbucks gift cards.

A man was arrested after murdering a man he met on Grindr and eating his testicles. His legal team is asking that cannibalism charges be dismissed because the victim requested to be an organ donor.

Habitat for Humanity completed and donated its first-ever 3D-printed house. It was later robbed by a guy with a 3D-printed gun.

A bird flu outbreak in Israel led to the slaughter of half a million infected chickens. And boy are the farmers chasing them tired.

Doctors are sharing ways to tell if you have a common cold or the Omicron variant of COVID. They say the key differences with Omicron are loss of taste &/or smell, and severe headache. Men are increasingly hearing “not tonight, I have Omicron”.

Patricia Cornwall, arrested for punching an 80-year-old man on a Delta flight in a mask dispute, was booked for DUI just last month. Cornwall is now booking a cruise, where she plans to get arrested and complete her air, land & sea trifecta.

Balaclavas a.k.a. ski masks are a hot apparel trend. Bank tellers are having a tough time telling if customers are there to shoot them, or just fashionable.

Amazon’s Alexa assistant told a 10-year-old girl to play with a live electrical outlet. The girl didn’t do it, but thanked Alexa for her next idea to go play in traffic.

By |

A blizzard warning was issued for parts of Hawai’i, as heaven freezes over.

A South Carolina nurse was charged with creating and issuing fake COVID-19 vaccination cards, after a dozen of her friends bragged about getting three shots of the Madonna vaccine.

An Italian man tried to dodge the COVID vaccine by wearing a fake silicone arm. for which he’s believed to have paid 488 Euros. He was caught, and his wife is furious he stole the money out of her fake silicone body parts savings fund.

Women named Alexa are changing their names because of Amazon’s digital assistant. That, and they’re sick of being asked about state capitals and what time it is.

A man was arrested after jumping out of a taxiing jet and locking himself in a closet at Phoenix Airport. His family claims he’s schizophrenic and thought he was being chased – a claim disputed by a gremlin who rode the flight on the jet’s wing.

The CEO of Better.com was criticized for firing 900 employees over a Zoom call. Then he announced the company was now called Smaller.com.

New York City will mandate COVID vaccines for all private sector employees – a move supported by the head of the pickpockets union and the Council Of Pimps.

Switzerland approved use of the Sarco Suicide Pod – a portable chamber where those seeking to die enter a code, climb in, and die within a minute from nitrogen inhalation. The Netherlands is testing a similar pod using methane, called the Dutch Oven.

KFC is testing a new dipping sauce, ‘Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce’, in three U.S. cities. They say it’s in response to research where customers expressed a strong desire to get the taste of KFC out of their mouths.

CNN fired anchor Chris Cuomo after an internal review supported allegations of sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, a Fox News review concluded some of their anchors sexually harassed coworkers, so they were given their own primetime shows.

By |

Instagram made the first change to its home page in 10 years, making it easier on most users by simply adding a tab for Breasts.

Ring video doorbells were recalled for being a fire hazard. Dozens of Jehovah’s Witnesses were treated at emergency rooms for severely burned fingers.

Google Photos announced an end to unlimited free photo storage in 2021 – but they’re keeping an open mind for some nudes.

The Masters started Thursday in Augusta, Georgia. “Maybe I should go check on that Georgia recount” said Donald Trump.

Workers took several hours removing a nest of over 200 ‘murder hornet’ queens. The queens were removed, along with their dresses, heels, wigs and makeup.

The hearing-impaired community is voicing opposition to Joe Biden’s suggested sign-language name because of its similarity to the Crips gang sign. “I say keep it” said Biden, before puffing and passing a blunt to Vice President-elect Harris.

Facebook’s metric for ‘Violence & Incitement Trends’ is up 45%, due to the proliferation of pro-Trump and QAnon hashtags like #DraintheSwamp, #Trump2020, #WatchtheWater, and #McDelivery.

A Delaware woman was arrested for smashing an egg salad sandwich in the face of a 72-year-old female acquaintance. She faces charges of assault with a smelly disgusting weapon.

Amazon said its Alexa voice assistant will soon answer questions its users haven’t even asked yet — such as “who brought this ***king thing into the house?”

Following viral videos of the console supposedly billowing smoke, Microsoft warned users of the new Xbox Series X “not to blow vape smoke into your Xbox”. Apparently cannabis vapor makes it really hard for Halo’s Master Chief to shoot while wasted.

By |

Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

By |

Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.

By |

Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.

 

By |

Chris Christie, in a new book, accuses Jared Kushner of a political “hit job” to oust him from possible Cabinet positions, as retaliation for Christie’s prosecution of Kushner’s father years earlier. The Guardian previewed the book, noting their advance review copy had gravy stains on it.

  • The book is titled ‘Let Me Finish’ after Christie’s favorite saying when his kids try talking to him during dinner.

YouTube is banning videos of dangerous pranks and challenges, directly resulting in the cancellation of fifty cable tv shows.

A Republican lawmaker in Missouri called pregnancies resulting from rape “God’s Silver Lining”, but only after her friend talked her out of calling it “God’s Plan B.”

Motorola is reportedly bringing back the Razr as a $1500 foldable smartphone, which is still a lot of money to spend on a phone in 2006.

Steve Carell will star in a new Netflix comedy, ‘Space Force’ — proving we live in a world where Trump’s dumb ideas are realized as multi-million dollar insults before they could ever find life as multi-billion dollar government failures.

University of Alabama QB Jalen Hurts announced he’s transferring to the University of Oklahoma. Hurts will play immediately, since he obtained his degree from Alabama in December, having completed the required curriculum of watching movies about college.

The Boston Globe reports the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox will visit the White House in mid-February. It’s unclear whether they’ll go inside to the dining room or just hit the drive-thru.

Amazon upgraded its Alexa voice assistant, so that if you ask Alexa to read out the latest news from today, her voice will sound like that of a professional newscaster- unless you ask her for sports news from Boston, Philly or New York, then her voice will sound like an annoying idiot.

The One Billion Oyster project is hoping to clean New York Harbor by repopulating it with oysterseach of which can purify up to 50 gallons of water a day before they’re harvested and eaten by New Yorkers who will vomit them back in to New York Harbor.

A mother giraffe gave birth to a calf at Disney World – horrifying families in attendance at the Princess Breakfast.

 

By |

Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.

By |

Amazon is under fire for what a watchdog group called “deplorable conditions” at a China factory that makes Amazon Echo smart speakers. It’s so bad, that when workers ask Alexa what time it is, she says “time to shut up and get back to work.”

Three people reportedly broke into Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills home. Police say nothing was stolen, but the burglars each received emails that the items they wanted had shipped.

Before introducing Bruce Springsteen at Sunday’s Tony Awards, Robert De Niro told the audience “F*ck Trump”. Watching at home, Melania Trump told her assistant “this is why I didn’t go to Singapore.”

ABC’s attempts to reboot ‘Roseanne’ without Roseanne Barr have apparently stalled, because Barr owns the rights to some characters on the show. Casting executives are now looking for unfunny overweight dopes who can’t act and appeal to racists; Larry the Cable Guy is on his way to Los Angeles.

President Trump arrived in Singapore a day early for his planned summit with Kim Jong Un. Un is staying at the St Regis Singapore, Trump’s base of operations is still being finalized using the ‘Find A Location’ function at McDonalds.com.

KFC is reportedly testing “chicken-like vegetarian options” at its United Kingdom locations. KFC said this isn’t the first time they’ve offered non-chicken options, citing the rodents they serve in the U.S.

Kylie Jenner deleted all social media photos of her infant daughter Stormi, as Stormi’s infant lawyer seeks compensation from her mother in addition to feedings.

Net Neutrality officially ends today, June 11th. Your estimated hold time to speak with  Comcast/Xfinity customer service about your slow broadband connection is incalculable.

Porsche’s first all-electric car will go on sale for $80,000-90,000 and will be called the Taycan, German slang for ‘you can’t afford it’.

An American Society for Microbiology study showed that kitchen towels contain high levels of bacteria that cause food poisoning. Experts recommend washing towels in hot water for at least 20 minutes before eating them.

 

By |

Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.