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Surveillance video shows escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante crab-walking up the wall in an exterior prison walkway to get to the roof. The manhunt continues to capture and return him to prison so he can lead total-body fitness classes.

The Pennsylvania State Police announced Operation Nighthawk – roving DUI enforcement patrols across the state during the weekend of September 9th. So drive sober or, if you’re a drunk driver who likes a challenge, get on out there.

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, speaking after a brief hospitalization, discussed her “urgent fetal surgery”. She announced that the first episode of her new reality series, Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, will be titled ‘Urgent Fetal Surgery’.

Following the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, a new study shows states that have experienced a large increase in abortion services. Abortions in New Mexico increased 220%, as women seek to terminate their pregnancy and tour Carlsbad Caverns.

The Rolling Stones will release Hackney Diamonds – their first album of new music in 18 years – on October 20th. The album features contributions from Lady Gaga, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, and whoever is donating plasma to Keith Richards.

Google’s Chrome browser turns 15 today. Executives marked the occasion with a party featuring strippers and other adult entertainers they found while in Incognito Mode.

Pepsi-owned Gatorade is introducing Gatorade Water – an electrolyte-infused water. Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola-owned Dasani is planning to introduce a new product that actually tastes like water.

Some illegal U.S. immigrants employed by disaster-relief companies are refusing to go to Florida to help with hurricane recovery efforts. They blame Governor DeSantis’ legislation requiring undocumented workers to be deported or – worse – forced to stay in Florida.

A bombshell Rolling Stone report called The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a ‘toxic workplace’, saying four former writers experienced “suicidal ideation”. NBC defended their workplace, saying there’s nothing unique about wanting to kill yourself if you watch enough of Jimmy Fallon.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick broke up with his longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday. Belichick is expected to remain single through the regular season, then scout new prospects at the 2024 MILF & Cougar Combine.

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UPS workers reached a tentative contract agreement with the Teamsters union, ensuring Americans uninterrupted delivery of their stupid crap.

Walmart is offering refunds to shoppers who mistakenly purchased $49 Walmart+ memberships at self-checkout kiosks. In-store customer service personnel will also assist those who want to learn how to shoplift a Walmart+ membership.

51 pilot whales died in Australia, leaving thousands of passenger whales stranded at Whale Airport.

A ship carrying 3,000 cars caught fire off the coast of the Netherlands. It’s considered a total loss, including hundreds of self-driving electric cars trying to escape that drove themselves in to the ocean and drowned.

Many social media influencers are ceasing to create content in sympathy with the ongoing strikes of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America – leaving them confused at how to do even less than they’re already kind of doing.

A Texas couple is suing the owner of a Maryland AirBNB for $75,000 after discovering hidden cameras in the bathroom of their rental, which captured the couple having sex. The owner offered to settle for $750, since the movie wasn’t that great.

Mick Jagger turned 80, and looks just as great as Keith Richards did at 30.

Paris will allow swimming in the River Seine for the first time in 100 years, since it was closed to swimmers due to bacterial contamination. Parisians emerging from the river after a swim aren’t expected to smell much different.

The River Seine will first be used for the swimming portion of events at the 2024 Summer Olympics, so world class athletes will be the first to go in-Seine.

The mummified remains of two sisters and one sister’s teen son were identified following their discovery at a remote Colorado campground. They had told friends they planned to live ‘off the grid’ – which they did, until they also died off it.

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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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A passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Anchorage was subdued after running down the aisle naked waving his arms in the air. And he still couldn’t get a second bag of pretzels.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says that America has to get rid of Donald Trump. Introducing new Diet Coke w Heroin!

Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea cases have reached record highs in California in 2017. Although the California Department of Public Health conceded that the data were recorded prior to Harvey Weinstein losing his job at Miramax Studios.

Researchers claim to have deciphered four dirty jokes that were hidden behind other paper in Anne Frank’s diary, and have asked Amy Schumer to admit they weren’t hers.

Actress Patricia O’Grady lived in a rent-controlled two-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment for $28.43/month until her death in March at age 84 after being struck by a car. Her landlord was unable to attend the funeral because he was dropping his car off for bodywork.

61-year-old ‘lunch lady’ Lenora Williams of Radford, Virginia was found to have embezzled over $250,000 from the city’s school system. Williams died unexpectedly in 2017, just days after collecting one final windfall from Taco Tuesday.

Rockport shoe company filed for bankruptcy, citing decreased demand from men wanting to look like time-travelers from the eighties who never get laid.

LaGuardia Airport in New York opened Jabbrrbox stations – 7-foot-tall glass cubes that rent for $30/hour. The cubes are billed as private airport spaces where travelers can work or relax.  They changed the name to Jabbrrbox after the public was frightened by their first-choice name, Sleeper Cells.

Facebook announced that users will be able to flag messages related to harassment, hate speech and suicide on Facebook Messenger. Although Facebook said content monitors who get sick of seeing too many flagged messages will just reply with a Thumbs Up emoji.

Facebook said they’d taken down 21 million pieces of adult nudity between January and March of this year. “Man, Zuckerberg, your wife sure posts a lot of pictures on Facebook!” joked a guy who doesn’t work at Facebook anymore.

John Travolta danced onstage with 50 Cent at the Cannes Film Festival, although 50 declined when Travolta asked for a slow song to dance to.