By |

Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

By |

A sequestered jury convicted Derek Chauvin on three separate murder & manslaughter counts in the killing of George Floyd. They returned the verdicts so fast, nobody earned Marriott Points or got to sample the free breakfast buffet.

Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld said he was relieved at the Derek Chauvin verdict because his neighborhood got looted during Black Lives Matter protests over the summer. Greg Gutfeld added that he lives in a Foot Locker.

Peloton refuses to recall their treadmills, despite instances of small children being injured by them. Peloton believes admitting their products hurt kids will harm their upcoming launch of Peloton Tricycles.

A Los Angeles judge ordered that all homeless people on Skid Row be offered housing by the fall. His ruling preceded the groundbreaking ceremony for Skid Townhomes.

Kelly Osbourne said on the premiere episode of her podcast that she’d relapsed after four years sober. Osbourne said she’s sober again, but hopes the ‘cast gets plenty of downloads and that she doesn’t download more martinis.

Six English soccer clubs exited the proposed European ‘Super League’ before it even started, leaving its future in question. However, the Not-So-Super League – featuring your kid’s 6 & under soccer game – is still on for “too early” this Saturday morning.

Pfizer says they’ve found counterfeit COVID-19 vaccines in foreign countries. A company spokesperson reminded health officials that authentic bottles of vaccine don’t have The Flintstones on them.

The parent company of Old Country Buffet declared bankruptcy, citing reduced traffic during the pandemic, and costly legal settlements with dozens of families whose toddlers drowned in the chocolate fountain.

A new study finds poor sleep doubles the risk of sexual dysfunction in women. The study included 1,000 sleeping women poked awake by their partners’ erections.

Queen Elizabeth thanked well-wishers on her 95th birthday – the first since the death of her husband Prince Philip. She said she’ll miss birthday sex, so she may open the closet and dust off the royal scepter.