By |

Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

By |

Doctors treating a teen girl in China for five days of constipation found 100 tapioca ‘bubble tea pearls’ in her abdomen. She was given laxatives and told to prepare herself for the worst string of pearls she’ll ever get.

Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Iowa, calling President Trump an ‘existential threat’ to the country. Trump, also in Iowa, said Biden should know better than to throw five-syllable words around in the nation’s heartland.

Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors rejoined the team for their Game 5 NBA Championship win over the Toronto Raptors, but left the game with a ruptured achilles tendon. The achilles tore when Durant told it he wanted to try playing defense.

A mental health facility is suing actress Amanda Bynes for an unpaid bill. Bynes said she’d be crazy to pay it.

Kim Kardashian West shared a photo of daughter North wearing a fur coat, adding that she’s had all of her favorite fur coats remade with fake fur. “Thanks” said the families of dead chinchillas.

United Airlines said its ConnectionSaver tool is now available to let passengers with tight connections possibly hold their departing flight. United said 14,400 passengers in four months had their connections saved, and they can’t wait to start gouging passengers for using it.

Siam Corner Thai Kitchen in Stamford, CT was closed when a decomposing human body in an apartment over the restaurant leaked through the ceiling. No foul play is suspected, despite the body being covered with ice and liberally sprinkled with MSG.

Investigators believe California’s biggest wildfire, the Mendocino Complex Fire, was caused by sparks from a rancher plugging an underground wasp nest with a metal spike. The rancher will not face criminal liability for the fire, but was charged with 100 counts of waspicide.

New York City police are seeking a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and pushing a stroller, who punched a subway passenger in the face for bumping into her. Witnesses say the woman’s baby asks permission before breast feeding.

Uber debuted a new self-driving vehicle, the latest step in its quest to make cheapskate passengers feel better about not tipping.

 

By |

The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”