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A child in New Jersey found heroin in his trick-or-treat bag after a party. Police estimated the street value of the heroin to be a dozen fun-size Snickers bars.

  • As for the child, he regrets confusing treat-givers by dressing as Kurt Cobain for Halloween.

Lebron James was forced to evacuate his Los Angeles area home due to wildfires. He then asked the fire chief to think about trading for better firefighters.

Philadelphia International Airport is hosting displays of zoo animals – ones from the Philadelphia Zoo, not the ones flying to Eagles road games.

An Indiana man has become a viral sensation for videos where he poses as ‘Halloween’ murderer Michael Myers. He’s the scariest white-faced Hoosier ghoul since Mike Pence was Governor.

iPhone and iPad users will be allowed to opt out from having humans listen to their questions to Siri. The human listeners hope more people opt out, too, so they don’t have to hear creeps ask about Siri’s underwear.

Amazon made home grocery delivery free for Prime members. So far there have been multiple reports of porch pirates stealing deliveries but leaving the broccoli.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are reportedly “at the breaking point” and may plead guilty in the college admission scandal. They reconsidered when prosecutors added a third felony charge, causing the live studio audience to go “Oooooooh!!”

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dressed as Jay-Z for Halloween, and was immediately criticized for dressing in black-er-face.

Country singer & actor Tim McGraw said he lost 40 pounds when his then-11-year-old daughter said he looked “big” watching him in the film ‘Four Christmases’. McGraw thanked his daughter for being one of the few people who could sit through ‘Four Christmases’.

Bud Light honored viral ‘hero’ Jeff Adams, who took a home run ball to the chest at the World Series instead of dropping two Bud Lights. The brewer sent him to Game 6 and said he’ll receive Bud Lights “for life” – assuming he only drinks Bud Light, it’ll just be a couple more years.

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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.