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Former American Idol contestant Antonella Barba will spend a minimum of 10 years in prison following a guilty plea for possession of 400 grams of fentanyl. She will report to jail later this year, and be the early favorite in the prison’s Holiday Talent Show.

Jeff Bezos cashed in $1.8 billion in Amazon stock, netting $1.4 billion in cash after taxes. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez was seen being fitted for a diamond studded wrist brace to hold up her left hand after she gets the engagement ring she wants.

A 10-year-old Missouri girl stole, then crashed, her mother’s car trying to drive it to McDonald’s. Despite totaling the car, she only suffered minor injuries, and still needs that Lion King Happy Meal.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant went viral after photos emerged of her lying in an overhead bin during boarding. She got out of the bin when a passenger in that row needed it to store his wife for the trip.

Elizabeth Taylor’s 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud is expected to fetch up to $2 million at auction. The car has been restored with a new top and leather seats, and with several of her ex-husbands cleaned out of the trunk.

CNN held the second of two Democratic Presidential debates. Fallout from the debate is expected to dramatically slash the field of Democratic candidates from 20 to 19.

Mario Lopez apologized for comments he made saying it’s “dangerous” to support transgender kids. Lopez later said the remarks were ignorant and insensitive – but that he just didn’t want children to end up confused like his friend’s son, Screechella.

Kentucky wildlife officials are electrically shocking thousands Asian carp in order to harvest them and gauge how invasive they’ve become. They added that consumers should probably avoid most fish frys in the area.

The meatless Impossible Whopper is coming to every Burger King in the U.S. next week. In response, McDonald’s said they’re offering deals on the Impossible Big Mac – it’s a Big Mac that’s been kept under a heat lamp for 9 hours.

Netflix is accessing the physical activity sensors on smartphones to gauge users movement while accessing the app. They’ll probably stop soon when they figure out that users’ physical activity is “none”.

 

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For the first time in 11 years, LeBron James was not named a 1st Team NBA All-Star. He then demanded his agent to get him a one-year max contract with the 1st Team NBA All-Stars.

President Trump attended a sumo wrestling championship match in Japan.                    Not participated in..attended.

11 climbers have died on Mount Everest so far this season. Experts blame overissuance of permits and allowing too many inexperienced climbers to attempt the summit. The most inexperienced get halfway up and ask their guide for directions to the snack bar.

The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to its official International Classification of Diseases.  Epic Games, publisher of Fortnite, offered their help to combat gaming disorder, issuing millions of health packs.

Wildlife experts captured an alligator that severely injured a woman in Melbourne, Florida. Witnessses identified a gator as the one who injured the woman, but only after picking it out of a five-gator lineup where four more people were bitten getting them all behind a two-way mirror.

A California man was attacked by a shark off the coast of Maui.  “You flew here! We GREW here!” said the shark whose favorite movie is ‘Blue Crush’  while claiming it was a Locals Only Beach.

A 35-year-old yoga instructor survived being lost for 17 days in the forests of Maui, saying that, during her ordeal, she spent a night in the lair of a wild boar. She is being treated at a local hospital, and has not returned the wild boar’s phone calls & texts.

IndyCar driver Jordan King hit a member of his pit crew during a pit stop at the Indy 500, injuring his leg and forcing his removal via stretcher. The crew member accepted responsibility, distracting King by texting him asking when he was stopping for gas.

A Japanese man on a flight from Mexico City to Tokyo died after ingesting 246 bags of cocaine.  The flight made an emergency landing in Hermosito, Mexico, where rival gangs had a shootout in the emergency room trying to claim the body.

Actress Patricia Arquette said that producers asked her to lose weight while filming her then-hit tv show, ‘Medium’. It was that or change the name of the show to ‘Large’.

Fans are demanding refunds after the first two shows of the Spice Girls summer stadium tour have been plagued by awful sound problems. Promoters have so far refused, explaining that those are the songs.

MacKenzie Bezos pledged to give away half of her $37 billion fortune now that she’s single. Ex-husband Jeff Bezos will also give away half his fortune a second time once he divorces Lauren Sanchez.

 

 

 

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Police arrested a woman at a Largo, Florida Burger King when she refused to leave the bathroom. When she did, cops found seven syringes containing clear liquid hidden in her vagina. The woman said she “f**ked up”, and also said she didn’t know how fertility injections worked.

Officials in Iowa are warning residents about canine brucellis, a disease in dogs that can be spread to humans through dogs reproductive fluids. Pet owners are reminded to wash their hands regularly or, if they’re really lonely in Iowa, to use a condom.

Prince Jackson – Michael Jackson’s eldest son – graduated with a business administration degree from Loyola Marymount University. He grabbed his diploma with one hand and his crotch with the other.

Demi Lovato announced she’s hired a new manager, Scooter Braun, who also manages Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande and others. No word on when or if she plans to ride her new Scooter.

Lauren Sanchez is reportedly pressuring billionaire boyfriend Jeff Bezos to make their public debut as a couple. Thanks to photos acquired by the National Inquirer, Bezos has already made his pubic debut.

Japan is testing its new 248mph bullet train. [photo below] Men are super excited to ride it, women need some time to get used to the idea.

bullet train

An Oregon woman accused McDonald’s of negligence when she asked an employee to fill her 4-year-old’s sippy cup, and an employee put scalding hot water in it. The daughter suffered minor burns and blisters, and was pissed it wasn’t the coffee she wanted.

Levels of CO2 exceeded 415 parts per million for the first time in modern human history, a record level of greenhouse gas. Citizens who want to make a difference are encouraged to plant a tree and watch it die.

Tinder announced they’re rolling out Tinder Lite for use in emerging overseas markets, where access to cellular data is limited, but which have pent-up demand for sexually transmitted disease.

Tinder also announced the introduction of Festival Mode, a way for men & women at events like Bonnaroo, Electric Daisy Carnival & Firefly to find matches – in hopes of getting both a backstage and a backdoor pass.

 

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Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, 56, married Brittany Furlan, 32, on Valentine’s Day. “Holy shitballs, we did it!” Lee posted on Instagram, quoting from his wedding vows.

  • The two will share custody of Lee’s children from prior marriages, and his hepatitis.

HGTV’s ‘House Hunters’ may be changing its format to lose voice-over narration. Apparently producers are tired of editing out the narrator asking “where did these two idiots get six figures to buy a house?”

President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency to secure funding for his border wall with Mexico. This is Trump’s fourth major declaration, following his three bankruptcies.

Rumors are circulating that Lady Gaga and fiancé Christian Carino are breaking up. Insiders claim that she’s stopped wearing her engagement ring, and moved her meat dresses out of the couple’s refrigerator.

A woman having her foot and ankle amputated due to years of chronic pain from an equestrian accident wrote a “breakup note” on the foot with a Sharpie. Before taking anesthesia for the amputation, doctors still asked her four times which foot they were removing.

A study claims that women over 50 who consume more than one artificially-sweetened diet drink per day are at higher risk of stroke. The study appeared in the most recent issue of AMA journal ‘Stroke’ – the one with President Trump’s photo on the cover.

A new website thispersondoesnotexist.com demonstrates the ability of artificial intelligence to create convincing fake faces. The site was created by Philip Wang, a software engineer, to show his mom all of the girls he’s dated.

Amazon cancelled its plans to locate a new headquarters to Queens, after Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez almost ran out of gas trying to find a skyscraper in the outer borough to land her helicopter.

Papa John’s announced they’ll pay 100% of employees tuition for online degree programs. Because if your experience delivering pizzas won’t get you your dream job, that B.A. from University of Phoenix definitely will.

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and other stars are calling for the Motion Picture Academy to reverse its decision to announce four Oscar winners – including editing and live-action short film – during commercials. The actors say if Oscars viewers didn’t like being bored, ‘Roma’ wouldn’t be nominated for Best Picture.

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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.