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Ocean City, New Jersey implemented a new curfew and other restrictions after the mayor said crowds of unruly teens threaten their status as ‘America’s Greatest Family Resort’. Teens are encouraged to go to Wildwood, to help retain their status as ‘America’s Dirtbag Headquarters’.

Chris Christie is set to announce his 2024 presidential campaign. His run for president is the only run he’s done in a really long time.

The head of U.S. Border Patrol is retiring. The occasion will be marked by a ceremony with the one-millionth illegal immigrant of his tenure entering the U.S. while he isn’t looking.

83-year-old Al Pacino is expecting a child with girlfriend Noor Alfallah. The pregnancy comes as a surprise for Pacino, who thought his whole system was out of order!!

HBO estimates 2.9 million people watched the Succession finale Sunday night – although somehow an estimated 4 million people bitched about it on social media afterward.

Retired baseball star Alex Rodriguez said he’s been diagnosed with early-stage gum disease. He said because of that he’s considering quitting gum.

Researchers unearthing 1,500-year-old mass burial sites in England are using skeletal DNA to learn about the bacteria that caused the plague. They tried using teeth, but most of those were already lost to British cooking & hygiene.

Convicted Manson Family murderer Leslie Van Houten was recommended for parole in California, but faces a legal battle since Governor Gavin Newsom had barred her release. Van Houten’s lawyers argue that Van Houten is in her 70s and only has limited time to get her ownn reality show.

Chick-fil-A hired its first-ever head of diversity, equity and inclusion – in order to ensure the company is staffed with a representive mix of ages, ethnicities and skin color of straight people.

A choir on America’s Got Talent paid tribute to prior-season contestant Nightbirde, who’d since died of cancer, performing a song she’d written and sung on the show. It made judge Simon Cowell cry before telling them that their harmonies were flat and terrible.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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Britain’s Prince George arrived for his first day of school. He was reportedly well-behaved, but looks forward to spending time relaxing on his Time Out Throne.

A woman in China reportedly gave birth while shopping. Since it was a girl, she returned it.

Comcast said that it will open over 130,000 Xfinity Wifi hotspots for free to Florida residents impacted by Hurricane Irma – so that even those Floridians who aren’t Comcast customers can see how awful Xfinity Internet service is.

Craig Carton, the co-host of nationally syndicated sports talk show ‘Boomer and Carton’ was arrested by the FBI and charged with operating a multi-million dollar Ponzi scheme to fund his gambling habit. The over/under was set at 5 years for his prison sentence, and Carton took the over.

A Bengal tiger was spotted roaming around metro Atlanta. It’s unclear how he got there, although residents assumed traffic was so bad the tiger decided to skip the car and walk.

Donald Trump Jr testified to Congress that he took the infamous meeting with Russians to gauge Hillary Clinton’s “fitness”. Bill Clinton commented that he could have told Trump Jr that it was nothing like it used to be.

A high-ranking Commander in the U.S. Navy is accused of making unwanted sexual advances and spanking a woman on the buttocks while he was drunk and dressed as Santa Claus at a Pentagon holiday party.  He was suspended for a uniform violation.

California paroled Charles Manson disciple Leslie van Houten. Van Houten thanked the parole board and said she hoped it wasn’t too late to start a family of her own.

The NBA Los Angeles Clippers have added 8 new “Star Courtside” seats on the floor at their home games, at a cost of $175,000 each. The seats come with a VIP Entrance, valet parking, waiter service, a ride home after the 1st quarter, and priority wait list for Lakers games.

Cruise lines are concerned about lost business resulting from Hurricane Irma. Carnival sent several of its ships into the hurricane’s eye to try and kill it with Norovirus.