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The Bay County, Florida sheriff say he is “beyond frustrated” that nine people ignoring rip current/no swimming warnings drowned at Panama City Beach just this month. However, local sharks say they’re “beyond delighted”.

Nadya Suleman – aka Octomom – posted selfies showing off her shredded gym body, 14 years after octuplets shredded her delivery room body.

The United States Postal Service is raising the price of Forever stamps from 63 cents to 66 cents starting July 9th. They also announced Forever stamps no longer mean they’ll always be good, they mean your letter will take Forever to reach its recipient.

Ryan Seacrest will succeed Pat Sajak as host of ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ – dropping Levar Burton to 0-and-2.

Ticket sales for superhero movie ‘The Flash’ dropped by 73% in its second week of release. “That was fast” said producers losing their shirts.

Los Angeles Angels phenom Shohei Otani struck out 10 batters and hit two home runs before leaving the game against the Chicago White Sox with a cracked nail on his pitching hand. Several groupies offered their nails as a replacement, but they were two inches too long.

South Korea adopted the global standard for age counting – zero at birth, one year added each birthday – meaning thousands of Koreans are a year younger on paper. Mississippians purchasing child brides are thrilled to be getting 12-year-olds for the price of a teenager.

United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby blasted the FAA for their decision to cancel hundreds of flights due to storms across the U.S., leading to days-long delays for passengers. Nonetheless, Kirby said flight attendants are using the free time to train for inevitable in-flight fistfights with frustrated passengers.

A McDonald’s customer in Ohio found a nose ring in her Quarter Pounder, covered in what she hopes is cheese.

The first photos emerged of wreckage retrieved from the imploded OceanGate Titan submersible. Pieces will be examined for clues as to what happened, then given to the Smithsonian for their upcoming “They Ain’t All Great Ideas” exhibit.

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China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.