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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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Caroline Spiegel, sister of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, is starting a ‘no-visuals porn site for women.’ The site, named Quinn, will deliver erotic stories via text and audio. They’re planning to offer subscribers submersible cases for when you drop your iPhone in the tub.

California startup Lightning introduced the Strike – an electric motorcycle starting at $13,000, with a 70-mile range and a top speed of 150mph. It’s already been named the Official Bike of The World’s Least Scary Motorcycle Gang.

The mother of a Notre Dame student wrote an op-ed to the student newspaper after seeing female students wearing tight leggings to church, saying “you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends”. Notre Dame women organized Legging Day, where thousands wore leggings to class. Men of Notre Dame thanked the mom for writing.

Colorado Senator Michael Bennet told MSNBC that he’s “very inclined” to run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020 — thus ensuring that Democratic primary debates will have more participants than viewers.

Attorney General William Barr plans to send the full 300-page Mueller Report to the White House before Congress sees it, so that they can redact ‘privileged information’. The White House will then issue a revised document titled ‘What Mueller Report?’

UFC fighter and epic scumbag Conor McGregor announced his retirement, coinciding with his being named in an assault investigation in Ireland. UFC President Dana White hasn’t given up and asked the alleged victim about staging a rematch.

Nicolas Cage filed to annul the Las Vegas marriage to his fourth wife, Erika Koike, just four days after they wed. Cage said they grew apart during the four days, while he shot two straight-to-video action movies.

A Virginia woman was arrested for embezzling $95,000 to pay for her upcoming wedding and a ‘butt lift’ procedure at a Miami clinic. “Nice ass!” said both her fiancee and her cellmate.

NFL owners approved instant replay review for coaches’ challenges of pass interference calls. It’s unclear how Patriots owner Robert Kraft voted, although he commented that he’s not crazy about expanded use of video these days.

Google pulled an anti-LGBT ‘conversion therapy’ app developed by Living Hope Ministries from its Play Store. It moved the app to its all-new Bigot Store.