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Melania Trump is auctioning a hat and ‘two other personal items’ at a minimum starting bid of $250,000. “I’m out” said a Florida lottery winner after learning neither of the ‘personal items’ are socks or underwear.

A new tequila brand, Flecha Azul, is being launched by actor Mark Wahlberg, golfer Abraham Ancer, and entrepreneur Aron Marquez – Marky Mark & the Drunky Bunch.

Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa are getting divorced. They issued a statement saying their marriage is no Momoa.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly annouced they’re getting married, and sealed their commitment by drinking each other’s blood. Their four kids from previous relationships said it made for a pretty weird celebration dinner at Olive Garden.

Comcast/Xfinity said they’ve successfully lab-tested the first multigigabit cable modem. Then they fired the engineers whose hard-drives were loaded with the entirety of Pornhub.

My Pillow CEO and Trumper conspiracy theory crackpot Mike Lindell says he has ‘enough evidence’ to put ‘300 million’ Americans in jail. He says it’s nothing to do with the 2020 election, it’s because My Pillows have tiny cameras in them.

Steve Harvey blamed ‘cancel culture’ as the reason he may never do another standup comedy special. ABC announced the cancellation of Judge Steve Harvey.

Canon home printers are rejecting new Canon ink cartridges since they lack authenticating microchips due to a global shortage. Customers are so angry, they’re magenta in the face.

Conor McGregor’s Dublin, Ireland bar, The Black Forge, was attacked with Molotov cocktails by vandals Wednesday night. Fortunately, there was no damage since Irish drunks were able to drink them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend is expected to testify before a grand jury amidst allegations Gaetz engaged in sex trafficking and sex with underaged women. The grand jury will convene on an afternoon when the 14-year-old isn’t babysitting.

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City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

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President Trump continues to threaten to close the U.S./Mexico border this week, now that all the Young Republicans have wrapped up Spring Break in Cancun.

Experts claim if the U.S./Mexico border is closed down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks – meaning, Chipotle would stop serving their guacamole in just over two months.

McDonald’s angered Australian customers it fooled with an April Fool’s prank announcing the McPickle, a Big Mac-like burger filled with pickles. Later, McDonald’s Australia issued a statement acknowledging the joke and saying they’ll resume making burgers with kangaroo and horse meat.

A 1915 Coca-Cola bottle, a prototype of the iconic swirling glass bottle with script lettering, is expected to sell for over $150,000 at auction. Had the bottle been stored with real Coke in it, it would have disintegrated 99 years ago.

Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B are filming ‘Hustlers’, a movie about strippers who turn the tables on their clients. Producers changed the name to ‘Hustlers’ from its original name ‘The Cardi B. Story’.

Following Bryce Harper’s mammoth home run for the Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves pitcher Shane Carle hit the next batter, Rhys Hoskins. After the game, Phillies manager Gabe Kapler said “it really pisses me off when balls go underneath Rhys Hoskins’ chin”. Hoskins asked Kapler to not do the talking for him from now on.

Climate change may melt decades worth of human poop on Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. The name was previously changed from Mt. McKinley to Denali. If global warming exposes the excrement, the National Parks Service may change it again to Ramada.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck married his longtime girlfriend Nicole Pechanec, earning her the title of Lady Luck.

Conor McGregor, who retired from fighting after allegedly assaulting a woman in Ireland, tweeted he wants to fight ‘actress’ Mark Wahlberg to get his ownership stake in UFC. Given that McGregor has already assaulted a woman, a victory would raise his mixed-gender fighting record to 2-0.

Police responding to a medical call at a Bismarck, North Dakota business found “several” dead bodies.  Officials are calling it the second-worst-ever grand opening of Jersey Mike’s subs.

 

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Caroline Spiegel, sister of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, is starting a ‘no-visuals porn site for women.’ The site, named Quinn, will deliver erotic stories via text and audio. They’re planning to offer subscribers submersible cases for when you drop your iPhone in the tub.

California startup Lightning introduced the Strike – an electric motorcycle starting at $13,000, with a 70-mile range and a top speed of 150mph. It’s already been named the Official Bike of The World’s Least Scary Motorcycle Gang.

The mother of a Notre Dame student wrote an op-ed to the student newspaper after seeing female students wearing tight leggings to church, saying “you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends”. Notre Dame women organized Legging Day, where thousands wore leggings to class. Men of Notre Dame thanked the mom for writing.

Colorado Senator Michael Bennet told MSNBC that he’s “very inclined” to run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020 — thus ensuring that Democratic primary debates will have more participants than viewers.

Attorney General William Barr plans to send the full 300-page Mueller Report to the White House before Congress sees it, so that they can redact ‘privileged information’. The White House will then issue a revised document titled ‘What Mueller Report?’

UFC fighter and epic scumbag Conor McGregor announced his retirement, coinciding with his being named in an assault investigation in Ireland. UFC President Dana White hasn’t given up and asked the alleged victim about staging a rematch.

Nicolas Cage filed to annul the Las Vegas marriage to his fourth wife, Erika Koike, just four days after they wed. Cage said they grew apart during the four days, while he shot two straight-to-video action movies.

A Virginia woman was arrested for embezzling $95,000 to pay for her upcoming wedding and a ‘butt lift’ procedure at a Miami clinic. “Nice ass!” said both her fiancee and her cellmate.

NFL owners approved instant replay review for coaches’ challenges of pass interference calls. It’s unclear how Patriots owner Robert Kraft voted, although he commented that he’s not crazy about expanded use of video these days.

Google pulled an anti-LGBT ‘conversion therapy’ app developed by Living Hope Ministries from its Play Store. It moved the app to its all-new Bigot Store.

 

 

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The woman attacked by a jaguar after climbing a safety barrier to get a selfie returned to the Arizona zoo to apologize. Her handshake with the jaguar resulted in her being hospitalized a second time.

Celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are accused of bribing SAT test proctors and colleges to help their children get into elite schools. Lesser charges are being considered for the Gronkowski family, who are accused of bribing officials at Arizona and Arizona State with cases of Coors Light.

A woman who orally ingested her partner’s semen was rushed to the hospital in anaphylactic shock because she was allergic to traces of an antibiotic in it. She is expected to fully recover and respond to multiple date requests from doctors.

Responding to the fatal crashes of two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets, President Trump tweeted that planes are becoming too complex, he didn’t want Albert Einstein to be his pilot. He then ordered Air Force One to be outfitted with three additional pairs of wings.

USA Today published an explanatory article about how Boeing’s 737 MAX 8 safety system – Maneuvering Characteristics Augmentation – works, leading aeronautics experts to question how good it can be if USA Today can explain it.

A Bronx couple looking at their child’s baby monitor were shocked to see a burglar standing next to the crib. The father rushed to the room, but the intruder had already escaped with all of the candy.

A new study in the medical journal JAMA concludes there is no association between what people eat and their risk of dementia. Some doctors are questioning the study, pointedly wondering why anyone would eat Grape Nuts unless they were losing their mind.

Facebook filed a lawsuit against two Ukrainian hackers, alleging they used Facebook quizzes to steal personal data.  The quizzes said which ‘Friends’ character they were based on birthdate and social security number. Everyone who gave both of them were told “Joey”.

A controversial study from the University of Minnesota claims blacks & hispanics are most harmed by inhaling pollutants created by whites. The study is called ‘The Racial Dutch Oven’.

UFC star Conor McGregor faces felony charges for slapping a cell phone out of a fan’s hand as they tried to take a picture, then stomping the phone and leaving. UFC President Dana White reportedly offered the phone $3 million for a rematch.

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Lady Gaga’s ‘A Star Is Born’ passed Whitney Houston’s ‘The Bodyguard’ in ticket revenue, making it the highest-grossing film ever by a musician. Each of those films passed Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ as soon as they each sold five tickets.

Angelina Jolie is set to star in a new thriller, ‘Those Who Wish Me Dead’ – adapted from divorce proceedings with her ex-husbands.

A blast of polar air descending on the midwestern U.S. will make Chicago colder than Antarctica on Wednesday. It’s so bad, the Chicago Blackhawks are looking forward to leaving early for their Friday game in Buffalo.

Pennsylvania prison officials at SCI Phoenix say that a camera drone followed inmate Bill Cosby while he was outside in the prison yard. The drone hovered for five minutes of material, deleted it, then flew away.

Two Danish clothing designers are finding success with their new apparel line, Carcel. All Carcel items are made by women serving in maximum security prisons in Thailand and Peru. They say their biggest challenge is keeping the inmates from adding pockets for cell phones and chisels.

Alleged NXIVM sex cult leader Keith Raniere made his third request to a judge for immediate release on bail. His lawyer claims that he’s being held without just cause, and also Raniere isn’t thrilled with the sex cults in jail.

The Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma – sellers of OxyContin – face a lawsuit accusing them of profiting from the opioid crisis.  The lawsuit is the result of an investigation known as “Operation Duhh”.

A Fox News anchor, Julie Banderas, criticized President Trump on Twitter for “bullying” fellow Fox News journalists John Roberts and Gillian Turner.  Bible historians checked this off their lists, leaving just 6 more signs of the apocalypse to go.

Boston University researchers studying the brain of Atlanta Falcons linebacker Tommy Nobis determined at the time of his death at age 74, he suffered from the most severe form of CTE. NFL doctors also gave Nobis’ brain their most severe CTE rating: Moderate.

A 911 dispatcher in Indiana took a call from a child seeking help with math homework. She helped him solve a problem about fractions, because he was so polite, and because it was more fun than hearing the people on hold shriek about their relatives’ heart attacks.

A man is suing Gwyneth Paltrow, saying she caused him a brain injury and four broken ribs. A judge ruled there needed to be two separate suits — one for the skiing collision with Paltrow that caused the broken ribs, and one for the brain injury which the man sustained from reading Paltrow’s website, Goop.

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.