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Old Navy announced plans to nearly double the number of their stores to over 2,000. They’ll even expand into Syria, where they’ll be known as Old Taliban.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves said doing psychedelic drugs like LSD “brought me closer to the planet and humanity” – specifically, she passed out on the grass and was revived by an EMT.

Tim Tebow was summoned to testify in the trial of an athletic trainer accused of injecting clients with illegal performance-enhancing drugs without their knowledge. Tebow refused comment according to his attorney, Jesus.

The manager of a Taco Bell in Louisville kicked out a group comprised of a woman and 20 homeless people she took there for dinner.  Taco Bell said the store manager will be retrained, and reminded that 75% of Taco Bell revenue comes from the homeless.

A transatlantic flight from Frankfurt to Cancun had to make an unscheduled landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel. The cockpit was repaired and the pilot appreciated the extra time to sober up.

Harvard University said it’s reviewing $9 million in donations between 1998 and 2007 from the late Jeffrey Epstein. Harvard said they refused donations following his 2008 conviction, but do welcome and encourage financial gifts from other alumni pedophiles.

A new study suggests an elevator to the moon could be built for about $1 billion using existing technology – but would require a LOT of illegal immigrants to work construction.

  • Some critics question whether travelers would really use an elevator to the moon, considering how long they’d have to hold in farts.

Northwestern University psychologist Alexandra Solomon published a list of seven phrases couples can use to deepen their connection, including “tell me more” and “how do you want to feel?”. Just missing the list at #8 was “skip the condom”.

Kim Kardashian said before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pain and numbness in her hands were so severe, she couldn’t lift her children to hand them off to nannies for days at a time.

Google Photos now lets U.S. customers order same-day prints, for old-fashioned types who like to send their dick pics in the mail.

 

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Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.