By |

Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

By |

The FAA is considering weighing passengers before flights for safety, and to encourage frequent-flying dogs to get fit.

Lego unveiled their first LGBTQ set in advance of Pride Month. You can now choose bricks with bumps and no holes, or holes and no bumps.

Google Photos introduced “locked”, password-protected photo folders. It’s an extra layer of security for creeps who’d rather send a password to their vast portfolio of dick pics instead of just one.

A man was arrested for participating in the January 6th Capitol riots after bragging about it and showing a video of the mob while at the dentist’s office. The man wrongly assumed his secret was safe at Proud Boys Dentistry.

Kendall Jenner is being criticized for ads showing her with the agave farmers who help make her new 818 Tequila. It’s not that she’s exploiting their culture, it’s that she keeps asking if they’re the same guys who mow her lawn.

Demi Lovato announced they’re non-binary. Lovato felt compelled to make an announcement since the salad bowl haircut leaned more toward regular gay.

Philadelphia high-rise buildings are dimming skyline lights after thousands of birds died crashing into them. The light reduction is expected to work better than the last idea, Philly residents yelling “Go Birds!” to get them to fly higher.

Australian gold medal snowboarder Torah Bright posted a viral photo of her son breastfeeding while she did a topless handstand. She claims she wasn’t showing off, just using gravity since she couldn’t find her breast pump.

Larry Flynt Hustler Club in Las Vegas is giving free limo rides, private dances and bottle service to residents getting a COVID vaccine there. So enjoy a lap dance from a topless 60-year old nurse while you get your shot and drink free Mountain Dew.

Microsoft will discontinue Internet Explorer next year, just as Bill Gates explores the Internet as a single man for the first time in decades.

By |

Space debris from a Chinese rocket will fall to Earth, but nobody knows where. Experts believe it will land in a body of water, because that’s typically where you find a Chinese junk.

An armed suspect took hostages at a Wells Fargo bank in Minnesota. He was arrested, but only after bank employees got his name and created three checking accounts he didn’t ask for.

56-year-old Paulina Porizkova’s full-frontal-nude Vogue magazine cover was unretouched. Although in many cases it has been smeared by older men purchasing their first-ever copy of Vogue.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli reportedly stayed at a luxury resort following their release from prison, according to the maid who had to clean the toilet where they made wine.

Of all the new retail stores opening in the U.S. this year, half will be dollar stores. If a $15 national minimum wage is passed, they’ll be dollar-fifty stores.

Google Photos’ free unlimited photo storage ends on June 1st. In response, Apple is reminding users that it will continue free unlimited photo deletion whenever you try to backup iCloud.

The Hollywood Reporter claims producers are workign on a Black Superman movie. The villain is unnamed, but everyone’s pretty certain it’ll be a white guy with dreadlocks. [story h/t to J.M.!]

Doctors at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia discovered a new disease that prevents the formation of antibodies in humans. It’s an antivaxx Mommy blog started by a patient’s mother.

Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner are building adjacent mansions outside of Los Angeles. This way, it’s easier for Khloe to cry on Kris’ shoulder when one of her boyfriends cheats on her.

A new study finds sharks use the earth’s magnetic field like a compass during long-distance migrations. However, when hungry, they prefer to ask other sharks for directions to the nearest swimmer they can eat.

By |

Instagram made the first change to its home page in 10 years, making it easier on most users by simply adding a tab for Breasts.

Ring video doorbells were recalled for being a fire hazard. Dozens of Jehovah’s Witnesses were treated at emergency rooms for severely burned fingers.

Google Photos announced an end to unlimited free photo storage in 2021 – but they’re keeping an open mind for some nudes.

The Masters started Thursday in Augusta, Georgia. “Maybe I should go check on that Georgia recount” said Donald Trump.

Workers took several hours removing a nest of over 200 ‘murder hornet’ queens. The queens were removed, along with their dresses, heels, wigs and makeup.

The hearing-impaired community is voicing opposition to Joe Biden’s suggested sign-language name because of its similarity to the Crips gang sign. “I say keep it” said Biden, before puffing and passing a blunt to Vice President-elect Harris.

Facebook’s metric for ‘Violence & Incitement Trends’ is up 45%, due to the proliferation of pro-Trump and QAnon hashtags like #DraintheSwamp, #Trump2020, #WatchtheWater, and #McDelivery.

A Delaware woman was arrested for smashing an egg salad sandwich in the face of a 72-year-old female acquaintance. She faces charges of assault with a smelly disgusting weapon.

Amazon said its Alexa voice assistant will soon answer questions its users haven’t even asked yet — such as “who brought this ***king thing into the house?”

Following viral videos of the console supposedly billowing smoke, Microsoft warned users of the new Xbox Series X “not to blow vape smoke into your Xbox”. Apparently cannabis vapor makes it really hard for Halo’s Master Chief to shoot while wasted.

By |

A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

By |

China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

By |

Actress Anna Faris said she’s “lucky to be alive” after she and her family were sickened from carbon monoxide poisoning at a Lake Tahoe rental home. She also said her career is “lucky to be alive” after co-starring in ‘The Hot Chick’ with Rob Schneider.

This week’s powerful winter storm deposited over a foot of snow in 25 different states. It dumped so much white stuff over so much of the U.S., they named the storm El Chapo.

Rainy weather and an early frost damaged Idaho’s potato crop to the point where there may be a french fry shortage. In that event, shipment priority for fries will be given to the McDonald’s closest to The White House.

Instagram account @PassengerShaming posted a photo of an American flight that allowed a pony in the cabin as a passenger’s support animal. Other passengers were outraged, as were flight attendants who were asked to help the horse take its shoes off.

Susan Weddle, a 40-year-old Florida teacher, is accused of having sex with her son’s 15-year-old friend ‘several hundred times’.  “Where does she find the TIME?!” asked other busy teachers who can only squeeze in sex with students once or twice a month.

The NHL New Jersey Devils fired head coach John Hynes following a 7-1 loss in Buffalo. Hynes offered no comment but is said to be relieved the Devils are not in his detail.

Exes Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck allegedly argued outside of her house the day after Thanksgiving. She prefers stuffing outside of the bird, and he demands stuffing in them.

NASA cameras spotted the site where India’s Moon Lander crashed two months ago. It was right next to India’s Moon Tow Truck.

Google Photos launched a new private messaging feature, where you can share a photo with another Google Photos user, then have an ongoing chat about your breasts or penis.

Police captured two of the four teenage boys who escaped from a Nashville juvenile detention facility. The others remain at large, and cops are preparing for a tense standoff outside of Dave & Busters.

By |

Old Navy announced plans to nearly double the number of their stores to over 2,000. They’ll even expand into Syria, where they’ll be known as Old Taliban.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves said doing psychedelic drugs like LSD “brought me closer to the planet and humanity” – specifically, she passed out on the grass and was revived by an EMT.

Tim Tebow was summoned to testify in the trial of an athletic trainer accused of injecting clients with illegal performance-enhancing drugs without their knowledge. Tebow refused comment according to his attorney, Jesus.

The manager of a Taco Bell in Louisville kicked out a group comprised of a woman and 20 homeless people she took there for dinner.  Taco Bell said the store manager will be retrained, and reminded that 75% of Taco Bell revenue comes from the homeless.

A transatlantic flight from Frankfurt to Cancun had to make an unscheduled landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel. The cockpit was repaired and the pilot appreciated the extra time to sober up.

Harvard University said it’s reviewing $9 million in donations between 1998 and 2007 from the late Jeffrey Epstein. Harvard said they refused donations following his 2008 conviction, but do welcome and encourage financial gifts from other alumni pedophiles.

A new study suggests an elevator to the moon could be built for about $1 billion using existing technology – but would require a LOT of illegal immigrants to work construction.

  • Some critics question whether travelers would really use an elevator to the moon, considering how long they’d have to hold in farts.

Northwestern University psychologist Alexandra Solomon published a list of seven phrases couples can use to deepen their connection, including “tell me more” and “how do you want to feel?”. Just missing the list at #8 was “skip the condom”.

Kim Kardashian said before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pain and numbness in her hands were so severe, she couldn’t lift her children to hand them off to nannies for days at a time.

Google Photos now lets U.S. customers order same-day prints, for old-fashioned types who like to send their dick pics in the mail.

 

By |

SunTrust and BB&T banks are merging and changing names to Truist. Asked to use it in a sentence, the CEO said “the Truist way to profitability is bounced check fees.”

A government watchdog group has recommended that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway be removed. The group is the Department of Hair, Makeup & Wardrobe.

  • They asked that Trump go too, but can’t do anything to a sitting President.

The Toronto Raptors won the NBA title, defeating the Golden State Warriors in six games. Prime Minister Trudeau’s staff is busily scheduling the team’s visit to 24 Sussex for a champion’s heat lamp buffet of McPoutine’s and Back Bacon King.

The New York Times shared a preliminary design of the Harriet Tubman $20 bill. It was reworked following a first draft showing Thomas Jefferson next to Tubman asking her out for drinks.

Scientists at Florida State University’s ‘MagLab’ – for the study of magnetic fields – have made the world’s strongest magnet. They’ve already received inquiries from Floridians interested in sticking an alligator to their refrigerator.

President Trump announced the departure of Press Secretary Sarah Sanders at a White House event promoting second chance programs for convicted felons. This way, their applications will be on top of the pile.

Nintendo is considering a move of its manufacturing operations out of China – to avoid U.S. import tariffs, and based on intelligence that Mario may be sharing intel secrets.

Bentley introduced a new sedan with a top speed of 207 miles per hour. Still, the 2020 Bentley Flying Spur is no match for the 1940 Oak Tree.

Google is ending integration of Google Photos and Google Drive. They say users find it ‘confusing’, adding that the move will make it much easier for Google to dis-integrate your content.

The first Democratic presidential candidate debates will air over two nights, June 26 & 27, on NBC Networks. Viewers are being tricked into watching by ads calling the debates ‘This Is 20 Of Us’.