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A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.

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Dolly Parton’s theme park Dollywood is being sued for $2 million by a woman who said she suffered a severe spinal injury on the park’s RiverRush Water Coaster. Worse, she claims park medical staff in overalls and straw hats attempted to anesthetize her intravenously with the contents of two ceramic jugs labeled ‘XXX’.

Heather Locklear was arrested for the second time in two weeks, charged with battery on a police office and an EMT. Her parents are hopeful that Heather will get the help she so desperately needs – a really good agent.

Fixer Upper stars Joanna & Chip Gaines shared the first photo of their new baby son, Crew. He was named for the crew of workers who went to work this week renovating her birth canal.

Medical journal Obesity claims acceptance for plus-size people may prevent overweight adults from recognizing their own weight gain. A survey of 23,000 overweight/obese adults found 60 percent of men and 30 percent of women underestimated their weight. 90 percent returned the survey with mayonnaise stains.

Actor Mel Gibson lost his lawsuit to block the release of the film ‘Professor and the Madman’, which stars Gibson and documents the origins of the Oxford English Dictionary.  Gibson will not promote the film, and cancelled his appearance at the San Diego DictionaryCon.

Owner of Lexington, Virginia restaurant The Red Hen asked White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and 7 of her family members to leave on the basis of “moral conviction”. Sanders said she left without incident, and was only there to have a small salad and glass of water, anyway.

Actor Michael Rapaport was able to defuse a situation aboard an American Airlines flight from Houston to Los Angeles, when a Vietnamese man attempted to open an emergency exit mid-flight. The man told authorities he believed the door was the bathroom door. Three members of the man’s family were behind him telling him to hurry up.

Thousands of bourbon barrels rolled out of a collapsed warehouse at a distillery in Bardstown, Kentucky.  No one was injured, but a courageous plumber is attempting to reach the angry gorilla rolling barrels from atop the warehouse to halt further damage.

Culinary robotics company Creator is opening a restaurant in San Francisco, and will sell hamburgers made by a robot. The burgers take six minutes, and if you don’t like it the robot will spit WD-40 in it.

After a woman in Walgreens Pharmacy was denied a prescription to end her pregnancy that would result in miscarriage, Walgreens defended their policy to allow pharmacists to deny prescriptions for which they have a ‘moral objection’. Walgreens also said they regret hiring Christian Scientist pharmacists who won’t give any medicine to anyone.

Online auction house GottaHaveRockandRoll.com is auctioning a love letter that Madonna sent to model Amanda Cazalet in 1991. Madonna kissed Cazalet in the video for her song ‘Justify My Love’. When asked if the letter was perfumed, the auction house only said it smelled like it had been rubbed on something.

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Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]