The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

A huge forest fire continues to burn across parts of New Jersey. State officials are hoping to make it go away by billing it for insurance and property taxes.

NASA’s solar orbiters captured video of the sun releasing a huge plasma ejection. Then the sun cleared its browser history and smoked a cigarette.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, announced he’s running for Governor of New York at a press event at Empire State Total Landscaping.

Government doctors advise colorectal screenings should start at age 45, because patients are nicer to look at than they are at 50 or 60.

China landed its first-ever rover on Mars. It’ll begin sending data back to China’s space agency in about two weeks, after it completes registration at the Mars Department of Motor Vehicles.

A Long Branch, New Jersey police officer was arrested for operating a meth lab in his house. Asked why he did it, he said he wanted to win the blue ribbon in the New Jersey State Fair cook-off.

A new report claims McDonald’s franchises are bypassing food safety protocols to keep ice cream machines working. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying they don’t have food safety protocols.

A father in Maine was arrested after his two-year-old son shot him & his wife with a Glock 9mm handgun. The man surrendered to police at the hospital, but only after complying with the shooter’s demands to turn on Paw Patrol.

For the first time in its history, NBC won’t have a sitcom on their fall tv schedule. This, after the pilot for ‘Untitled Chris D’Elia/Tony Hinchcliffe Project’ tested poorly. [story h/t to D.J.]

A six-foot alligator chased terrified pedestrians in a Wendy’s parking lot in Lehigh Acres, Florida. They were less scared, however, when they were later chased by Son of Alligator.

A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.