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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

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Michael Kors acquired Jimmy Choo for $1.2 billion cash, making women everywhere happy that someone is blowing more money on shoes than they are.

North Korea abruptly cancelled its annual Beer Festival. Worse,  the Anheuser Busch Brand Ambassadors who had already arrived with ‘America’ cans of Budweiser are missing.

Gardner, Maine has enacted a policy where citizens that collect a full bag of trash can trade the bag for free marijuana – giving new meaning to “garbage weed”.

  • For now the town is cleaner than ever, but officials are worried that stoners may litter the town overnight to make work for free pot.

Donald Trump used Twitter to insult Attorney General Jeff Sessions, calling him “beleaguered” and “weak” for his failure to investigate Hillary Clinton. Sessions thinks he’s doing a great job, since he hasn’t used his verified Twitter account in 3 years.

As he was blasting Sessions, Trump addressed the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and read aloud the Boy Scout Oath, pausing at ‘loyalty’ to say “we could use more loyalty”.  The scouts presented Trump with an official jackknife and a Backstabbing merit badge.

John McCain returned to the Senate just a week after brain surgery to cast his vote for a Motion To Proceed on healthcare, and addressed the Senate after the vote. He slammed the Senate for partisan stalemates and urged a more unified bipartisan approach to governance. The speech was well-received, and proved the American people were right by thinking every U.S. Senator should have their head examined.

President Trump spoke to the press after the vote, calling the 51-50 vote passage of the procedural Motion to Proceed “the hard part to get”, despite the bill not yet being debated or amended for passage. Which is like calling the flight to Hawaii “the hard part” of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

Trump opened a different Monday speech saying that Obamacare has been “wreaking havoc for 17 years” despite being passed in 2010. Trump corrected himself, saying he didn’t mean Obamacare, he meant Y2K.

Bush’s Baked Beans recalled some of its hickory smoked beans for damaged cans, while continuing to let their other varieties damage consumers’ cans, and clothing, and furniture.

  • A spokesman said that eating the recalled beans should not create any side effects other than “the usual”.

Microsoft squelched rumors that it was discontinuing Microsoft Paint after 32 years, saying it would continue to support the app. This relieved loyalists; Paint has over 100 million monthly users, and is the world’s #1 app for drawing penises on JPEGs.

A Buddhist temple in Myanmar sunk amidst torrential rains. “We know it’s wrong to want material things, but that sucked.” said Buddhists.

Justin Bieber’s China concerts were cancelled by the country’s Minister of Culture, due to the artist’s “bad behavior”. Asked to specify which bad behavior, the Minister said “mostly singing.”

Jared Kushner testified to the Senate about his involvement with Russians during the Trump 2016 Presidential campaign. Afterward he addressed the press, saying that his request to create secret communications channels with the Russians after the election served as proof that he didn’t have them before. Which is like taking a side piece after your wedding and saying it proved what a great guy you were before you got married.